


Kiss Me Like You Did

by rafaelbaseball



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Never Been Kissed, Anal Sex, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, First Dates, First Time, Former ADA Rafael Barba, Humor, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Light Angst, M/M, Naked Cuddling, Oral Sex, Porn with Feelings, Professor Rafael Barba, Romantic Fluff, Scars, Slow Burn, Undercover Sonny Carisi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2019-05-17 15:18:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14834750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rafaelbaseball/pseuds/rafaelbaseball
Summary: When Sonny Carisi goes undercover as a law student to help take down a sleazy professor, he doesn't expect to have his entire world turned upside down by one Professor Rafael Barba.Written for the Barisi Cinema challenge, this is an AU based on the 1999 romcom Never Been Kissed.--“We shouldn’t do this.” It sounds weak, they both know it.Sonny tilts Rafael’s chin up, waiting until he earns Rafael’s gaze back. “I know,” Sonny tells him. He can’t, they can’t. They shouldn’t, not on any level, but god, Rafael really is so beautiful in every way possible. “I know but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t I want to, Rafael. I want to so badly.”With a nod comes Rafael’s whispered answer. “So do I.”





	1. here we go, life's waiting to begin

Sonny Carisi should have known better than to walk through the doors of the 16th thinking it would be an easy day.

It’s been slow in the department recently, which is a good thing on so many different levels, and Sonny has to admit he’d gotten spoiled by the free time between cases. He’s been using most of it to keep up on case law, to send emails with ideas and suggestions on active cases to an ADA who never writes back, and even though he can hardly be considered the new guy anymore, he’s still the newest guy and that makes him the coffee lackey. 

He’d chosen to act before asked this morning, strolling in with several cups of coffee, orders memorized by now, and when he’d rapped on Liv’s door to deliver hers, his Lieutenant had beckoned him inside with instructions to close the door behind him. 

Now, as he sits slack-jawed and staring at Liv with his own coffee in hand, barely touched and getting colder by the minute, Sonny wishes he’d paid more attention to his horoscope this morning.

“An unexpected invitation will catch you off-guard,” it’d read. “Accepting may be your only option so be prepared to embrace it.”

He never actually takes the damn thing seriously but his younger sister had gotten him hooked on catching up with it every day, and he always gets a text from Bella anytime hers says something particularly intriguing. Just last weekend, she’d read that for Virgos, “children might prove to be a source of happiness and satisfaction." It'd been ridiculously broad, but Bella had written to him in all caps exclaiming that surely this was a sign of _something_ because her Sofia brings her constant happiness and satisfaction, it's all right there in the horoscope.

Sonny had managed to refrain from pointing out that it’s nothing significant if it’s true all the time. When he tells her about what’s happened just now later, she’ll almost definitely start bouncing off the walls.

“Carisi, you still with me?”

Liv’s voice interrupts his thoughts and brings Sonny back to reality, a reality he just barely recognizes at this point because what she's just proposed to him somehow seems so surreal. He clears his throat, nodding, pausing to take a sip of his lukewarm coffee as he stalls to consider about how the hell he’s supposed to react to the assignment and coming up very much empty. “Yeah, Lieu, I guess. It’s just kind of hard to wrap my mind around the whole thing, you know?”

“I get it,” Liv says, leaning back in her chair with steepled fingers as she watches him over the rim over glasses. “But I’ve got confidence in you, I think you’re the best fit for this. I’ve discussed it at length with Dodds and the DA, we believe this is the best course of action to take if we want to try to bring this case to trial. There’s not enough to go on as it is, but I’m certain we can find something if we just have the right resources. You’re going to be that resource.”

“Going back to college, though,” Sonny says, letting out a low whistle. “I’m not even done paying off my student loans for the first time around.”

“That recent experience makes you an even better candidate. Besides, you’re not going to be deep undercover, you don’t have to blend in with the teens or twenty-somethings, you’ll be going in as Sonny Carisi. You’ll just be Sonny Carisi, first-year law student. We have a file prepared for you to study, some details about your personal life that are changed for the job, you know the drill.”

“Homework already,” he jokes, though Liv only humors him with a thin smile. “So all this just to catch one professor in the act?”

“This one professor has had multiple complaints made against him by both students and colleagues but nothing’s ever really come of any of them. They’ve always been withdrawn or barely pursued.” She nudges a file folder across her desk, and Sonny obligingly picks it up to flip through it. “John Buchanan. He’s been working at NYU for the better part of a decade, previously worked at Columbia. Had a number of buried complaints there, too.”

“Someone came into SVU about him?” Sonny asks, glancing up at her in surprise. “Why didn’t we investigate?”

“A student brought her roommate in to report coercion,” Liv explains, her expression hardening, “but a few minutes into the interview, the roommate decided she didn’t want to continue and left. It’s what got my attention in the first place. I believe Buchanan is trading sexual favors for grades, likely threatening to fail anyone who declines his advances. I don’t know how many young women he’s victimized but from what little I heard the day those girls came in to see me, it didn’t sound like it was a surprise he'd do it.”

“Real piece of work, this guy,” Sonny mutters, slapping the file back down on the desk with a sigh. “Okay, so I go in, pose a student, and what? Just keep an eye on him in his classes until he slips up?”

“Something like that. Here’s the deal: we’ve enrolled you in two of Buchanan’s classes, Criminal Law and Criminal Litigation. You’re to participate and observe but remember, you’re undercover. If you hear anything or get the sense that Buchanan’s targeted another student in the class, you’re not to intervene, you report straight back to us and we’ll handle it.”

Sonny purses his lips at that because it feels a lot like being sidelined, even if that’s not what the Lieu’s getting at here. It’s important work, he understands that, but going to law school in his thirties _again_? That’s not exactly his idea of putting his time to its best use. It is what it is, though, whining and moaning won’t get him out of this so all he can do is offer a tight smile and comprehending nod.

“Sit back and shut up, I hear you, Lieu.”

Liv looks entirely and rightfully unimpressed with his answer, but she graciously ignores him and continues, “You need 12 credits to be a full-time student at NYU Law,” she continues, “so we’ve also got you in for Criminal Procedure with a Professor Rita Calhoun and Elements of Criminal Justice with Professor Rafael Barba.”

Sonny narrows his eyes. “Barba. Why’s that name sound familiar?”

Something in Liv’s expressions twitches and Sonny doesn’t quite understand why, but her tone softens. “He was an ADA out of Brooklyn, worked sex crime cases. Quit about five or six years back after the family member of a perp he put away broke into his apartment and stabbed him while he was sleeping.”

“Right, right.” Sonny sits up a little straighter, his memory jogged. He’d caught most of the updates regarding that particular case in the papers so he can’t quite picture Barba’s face, but he does recall discussing it here and there with his sisters and previous co-workers. “I remember seeing that in the news, had no idea he became a teacher.”

“It’s a shame,” Liv says, “he was really good at what he did. Creative, got things done. He’s been to a couple of my seminars, too, he’s a good man. The reason we wanted you in with him is that he and Buchanan have apparently been known to butt heads on campus.”

“Nice to know he doesn’t get along with assholes, at least.”

Liv ignores that comment, too, and Sonny is already starting to feel like he’s back in school. “NYU’s dean is refusing to let us access the HR reports without a warrant, and we can’t get a warrant issued if we don’t want to blow your cover before you can even get started. Barba might know something, try to get to know him. He’s a little prickly, but he’s got every right to be and like I said, he’s a good man. If you can get him to trust you, you might be able to get him to talk about anything he knows about Buchanan. Whatever helps the case is worth the shot.”

It sounds a hell of a lot like using him, actually, but Sonny only shrugs because as good a guy as Barba might be and as much shit as he might’ve gone through, the most important thing here is making sure nobody else gets hurt. Nothing else matters.

A knock at the door interrupts them then and when Sonny glances over his shoulder, he sees Amanda's head poking through the space in the door, a wide, unbridled smile greeting him.

"Did you break the news yet?" Amanda asks, stepping through the threshold of Liv's office, and Sonny swears she's biting down on the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing.

"What?" Sonny glances between Amanda and Liv with a slight sense of dismay, throwing his hands up in the air and letting them fall heavily back down on his lap. "Am I seriously the last to know about my own undercover assignment, is that how this works now?"

"Oh, come on, Carisi," Amanda says, giving him a light-hearted punch to the arm. "You're going back to _college_. If you thought Fin and I weren't going to have a field day with this, maybe you really do need to go back to school."

"Rollins," Liv warns, "this isn't a joke." The corners of her lips are just slightly turned upward, though, and she doesn't bite when Sonny squints suspiciously at her. "In any case, Carisi, it's just as well Rollins is here. You'll be giving her general updates on what you find out while you're undercover, anything major can come straight to me."

“Don’t worry, Lieu,” Sonny assures her, “I’ve got it handled.”

It’s more relieving to Sonny than it maybe should be to any reasonable person that Liv, and even Amanda, look like they believe him.

\--

“Stop pacing.”

“You stop pacing.”

It’s a petulant response, Rafael Barba is entirely aware of that and furthermore, it doesn’t make a lick of sense because Rita is glaring at him from his couch with a half-empty glass of cab in hand. 

“I don’t know what you’re so nervous about. Buchanan has no idea you’re the one who filed that report against him. You really think Dean Barth’s going to open that can of worms again after an entire summer has passed?”

“No, and I’m not nervous,” Rafael says, absently waving a hand before taking a sip from his own glass of wine, just narrowly missing a spill as he turns sharply to face his friend. “Not for myself, anyway. You know what he’s like, he has a whole class of first-year law students who are going to walk into his classroom tomorrow with no fucking clue what a monster their professor is and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”

Rita sighs, pushing off from the back of the couch so she can rest her elbows on her knees, watching Rafael intently until he goes quiet long enough for her to get another word in. “You still think the world is on your shoulders, Rafael. It’s not on you to prove every case, it hasn’t been for a long time.”

Rafael frowns, the crease between his brows deepening. “So you’re just okay with letting it happen, over and over? You’re fine with him victimizing his own students?”

“That’s not what I said.”

“ _I know_ ,” Rafael snaps. He purses his lips, running a hand through his hair then letting his eyes slip shut as he tries to put into practice the breathing exercise his therapist had taught him long ago. It doesn’t always work, more often than not it takes a lot more than a few deep breaths to regain a sense of composure and control, but he’s relieved to find it helps him now. For her part, Rita stays silent, patient. She always does. “I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you said.” He blinks his eyes open again, offering a contrite smile. “It’s just that we both know what he’s doing but he’s too damn good and covering it up. These kids are too scared of what coming forward might mean for their transcripts, and I know I can’t force anyone to come forward but damn if I don’t wish they would.”

“Once an ADA, always an ADA,” Rita teases, her tone gentle, a little bit cautious. “I know it’s hard. I’m with you, you know I am. But until we have solid evidence to bring up against him or unless someone’s willing to talk, there’s nothing we can do.”

This isn’t the first time since they’d found out last semester what a piece of shit Buchanan is that Rita’s given him this speech, it’s not the first time she’s had to talk him down, and Rafael plops down on the couch beside her with a frustrated groan. “I hate the idea of just waiting for the next victim to come around, it almost feels like we’re letting him get away with it.”

“Hey,” she says, giving his thigh a reassuring squeeze, “we know to keep an eye on him this time. Hell, maybe this semester will be different. Maybe we’ll nail him this time.”

Rafael nods, though he can’t say he has high hopes. Buchanan’s a slimeball, but he’s a slimeball who knows what he’s doing. Rafael glances at Rita, taking another sip of wine before resting his head on Rita’s shoulder. “Yeah, maybe. And if the universe wants to send us a little help, I can’t say I’d be opposed.”

Just a little. He doesn’t think it’s too much to ask.


	2. you're turning heads when you walk through the door

Preparing for the first day of his second time back at law school had turned out to be easier than Sonny had expected. 

The most difficult part of the morning so far had been dealing with Fin and Amanda’s jabs when he’d walked into the precinct with a Mets cap on and a nondescript backpack slung over one shoulder. 

“Did your mom give you a big smooch before you left the house today?” Amanda had teased, flicking the edge of his cap. 

Fin had smirked, so very helpfully contributing, “Don’t listen to her, Carisi, you don’t look a day over thirty-eight.”

Sonny hadn’t been bothered. He’s had a week to strategize, to come up with the best possible game plan with Liv and the squad, and he has to admit that the closer he gets to heading to NYU, the more excited he gets about the prospect of bringing down Buchanan. Over the course of the past few days, he’s read all the complaints, all the reports filed against the professor at this and other schools, and it’s subsequently fueled Sonny to make this assignment work. Liv had been right, the combined evidence is there but none of it is enough to do anything about it, to bring charges against the guy. Stone hadn’t been all too impressed when they’d presented the case to him, either, but if Sonny plays this right, the ADA won’t have any choice but to prosecute. 

There’s a distinct sense of awe overcoming him now, as he walks the path leading to the center of NYU Law’s campus. Bustling around him are students, some alone and some in packs, books clutched against their chests or their phones in their faces or coffee cups precariously held against their lips as they rush to their next classes. NYU Law had been a pipe dream a few years back when he’d first looked into schools. He could never have afforded it, first off, and he’s sure he wouldn’t have had an impressive enough application for getting in anyway. Attending Fordham had been great, of course, it’d paved the way to passing the bar exam; but there’s something inexplicably magical about being here now. It’s like living a life that could have been meant for him in some alternate universe, and Sonny has to remind himself he’s here for a very specific reason. 

He isn’t a student, he’s a goddamn detective with SVU, and he has a job to do. Getting caught up in this world can’t isn’t a real option, only the appearance of just that is 

It isn’t until he steps into Room 210 of Vanderbilt Hall that Sonny comes to the immediate realization that he might just be in for one hell of a challenge. 

“Holy shit.”

The classroom is _packed_. None of his classes had been this big at Fordham and he knows that has nothing to do with the fact that he’d taken night classes. Glancing down at his watch, he finds that he has a little over five minutes to spare before class is due to start and a cursory scan of the room seems to indicate Barba hasn’t arrived yet. Instead, a young man and woman standing on either side of a podium at the front of the room are fielding questions from various students, and Sonny only has to wait a moment before he’s able to approach the woman. 

“Hi,” he greets, adjusting his baseball cap, “I just want to make sure I’m in the right place. Professor Barba’s class?”

The woman smiles broadly, looking vaguely amused, and nods. “Oh, yeah, you’re definitely in the right place. I’m guessing you didn’t expect such a big crowd.”

Sonny laughs, looking behind him at the sea of chattering students then grinning back at the woman. “Pretty much. My other classes look nothing like this.”

“Well, Mr. Barba does attract an audience. That’s where we come in,” she says, gesturing to herself and her counterpart, who pauses his conversation to give Sonny a quick, friendly wave. “That’s Leslie. I’m Carmen. We’re Mr. Barba’s TAs.”

“Oh.” Sonny tries to hide his frown, instead shrugging casually. “So no chance of one-on-one time with the good professor, then?”

Carmen blinks, one brow lifting almost knowingly, though Sonny can’t imagine what she could possibly think she might know. “We split up the students alphabetically by last name. If you’re in his section, he’ll be the one who can direct your questions to, otherwise, I promise you’re in good hands with me and Leslie. As you can probably guess, Mr. Barba has a lot on his plate.”

“Right. Is there any way to switch out sections if I end up in one that isn’t his?”

With a burst of laughter, Carmen shakes her head. “Get in line, hon. I’ll be getting that request about fifty more times by the time I check my email after class is done. I’ll save you the suspense, though. What’s your last name?”

“Carisi.”

Carmen holds a palm out, face up like she’s just granted him a wish. “Lucky you. Mr. Barba’s taking A-G this semester.”

Lucky him indeed. With a satisfied smile, Sonny offers Carmen a nod of thanks then turns to find a seat in the crowded auditorium. There’s one chair left up front, centered between two young women, one brunette wearing a shirt boasting NYU’s emblem and the other a blonde, furiously texting on her iPhone. Once Sonny’s settled, he turns to look at the girl with the phone, realizing quickly enough she wouldn’t be interested in giving him the time of day. He turns to the other girl instead, relieved when she glances at him and smiles shyly. 

“Hi,” he says, “I’m Sonny.”

She blinks at him, seemingly dumbfounded for a moment that he would speak to her at all. “Hi.” The answer comes quietly, almost hesitantly. “I’m Arielle.”

“What year are you?”

“Second. You?”

“First.” Sonny shrugs sheepishly. “Got a late start.”

Arielle laughs, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, her gaze traveling between the open notebook on her desk and back at Sonny. “Better late than never, right?”

“That’s what they say. This your first class with Barba?”

Arielle nods enthusiastically, sitting up a little straighter in her seat. “I’ve heard he’s amazing. He was a former ADA, did you know that?”

“I heard something about it, yeah. Guess we’re in good hands.”

“No kidding.”

The door opens then and the classroom chatter dies down almost instantly. Sonny first glances down at his watch—nine on the dot—then looks up to find himself actively having to keep from letting his jaw drop. 

Professor Rafael Barba looks nothing like the photos Sonny had seen of him. 

All wrinkled button-down and blue jeans that are somehow tight and loose all at once, Barba gives off the air of someone who knows that a hundred unfamiliar faces are staring at him but most assuredly doesn’t care. 

The Barba in photos had held his head high, chin up and exuding unmistakable confidence, dressed to the nines in three-piece suits and swagger that could be spotted off the image alone. He’d been cleanly shaven with his hair gelled into a handsome coif, looking very much like someone at all times camera ready. The Barba standing in front of the classroom now doesn’t seem like anyone who would be picked out of a crowd, if not for how absurdly attractive he is. There’s salt-and-pepper scruff growing and his hair isn’t a mess but something close to it, grey patches scattered throughout that would make anyone else look older. If anything, the Barba of present almost seems younger than the one Sonny had seen before, which has more to do with the easy smile on his face than anything else. 

Sonny’s eyes stay on Barba as he lets Carmen take his briefcase from him and paces to one side of the room, then the other, then finally stopping back in the center to lift himself onto the desk to observe his new students. 

“Hi, I’m Rafael Barba.”

His voice is mesmerizing already. He demands everyone’s rapt attention with just four words, even Sonny finds himself completely charmed and it’s of no question to him anymore why Barba’s class is so popular. It isn’t the subject, it’s the man.

“I’ll be teaching you all the Elements of Criminal Justice. I’ll be trying to, anyway.” It earns him a polite wave of chuckles. Sonny finds himself guilty of laughing, too. “But hopefully this will be mutually beneficial and the learning will go both ways. One thing I’ve always appreciated about this class, which I think Leslie and Carmen here will agree with: it has never failed to surprise me. There are always new questions to be asked and new points to be made. Do not be afraid to ask or make them. That’s rule number one.”

Sonny can hear pens and pencils being put to paper around him and can’t help but smile. Barba catches it, catches his eye, and Sonny hates that he can feel his cheeks grow heated when Barba smiles back at him then observed the rest of the class.

“Rule number two, I’m going to be blunt about so don’t take it personally. The vast majority of you are aware I was an ADA in Brooklyn before I started teaching. Yes, I will absolutely use that experience and expertise to guide you in this class and you’re free to ask me questions about it. The same number of you might also know about the attack that resulted in my injury. I do _not_ welcome you to ask me questions about that. I think that’s fair, don’t you?”

The vocal agreement is quieter than the laughter and Sonny can only find it in himself to nod. Carmen’s expression has tightened, he notices, and Leslie can’t seem to take his eyes off her. It makes Sonny wonder what must have happened to make Barba feel the need to put into words what should be an otherwise unspoken rule to this room full of people, some of whom might only be learning about this today. 

“Good.” Barba slaps a hand down on his knee, pushing himself up from the table. “Let’s get started.”

—

By the time he gets back to his shoebox of an office, Rafael is exhausted. Each semester, the class seems to get bigger and bigger, this one being no exception and every student appearing just as eager to please. He’d managed to convince Carmen and Leslie that they should take the rest of the afternoon to take care of their own work rather than follow him back to the office but once he opens the door, he finds his hopes of spending the next few hours alone have already been dashed. 

“Remind me why I made you that key?” he asks, scowling at Rita who smirks at him from his own chair, her feet propped up on his desk. 

“Because you love and adore me,” she answers dryly, “and because sometimes I leave you basil fried rice when you forget to eat.”

“Oh, right, that.” He taps at her foot, his polite attempt at shooing her out of his comfy chair, but when she doesn’t budge, Rafael sighs and takes a seat in the chair usually reserved for his students. “No such luck with the fried rice today, I see. Don’t you have work to do?”

“It’s just so much more fun to procrastinate with you,” Rita says, tilting her head at him and smiling sweetly. Rafael knows it’s an act, and he feels vindicated in some way when the smile fades into a thin line of concern. “Anyway, you know why I’m here. How was it?”

“It was fine,” he says with a shrug, avoiding her eyes. “I told you it would be, what happened last semester wasn’t a big deal, what’s still going on with Buchanan is so if anything, we should be more worried about that.”

“I’m worried about it,” Rita agrees, lowering her feet to the floor and inching the chair forward to her elbows on the desk. “Right now, I’m more worried about you. It was a big deal, Rafael, we both know that. Don’t downplay it just because it’s easier for you to ignore it.”

“Harsh.”

“Someone has to be. Besides, some of the faculty walk on eggshells around you sometimes, and I know you hate that.”

She knows him so well, it’s true, Rafael always has a complaint ready when lounge room debates or discussions lead to cases about stabbings or retaliation. The looks he gets range from pitying to uncomfortable and anything in between, it never fails to send Rafael ranting to Rita over cocktails and poorly played dart at their favorite dive bar. They’ve stuck together all this time, through Harvard up until now, she’s the very reason he’d chosen this profession after leaving the Brooklyn DA’s office. Rita is his best friend, no question, but he really does hate it when she worries. It’s not their regular dynamic, it takes him back to that helpless feeling he’d held onto for the better part of a year after his attack, but she’d stuck around for him then, too. She doesn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of his frustration. 

“I made it clear the subject is off limits. No dissenting. As you can see, no nasty notes under the doors. That’s why you’re here, right? Just to make sure.”

Before she can answer, a knock at the door nearly startles Barba out of his chair. He ignores the pointed raised brow from Rita in favor of shifting in his chair to reach for the doorknob, blinking in surprise at the face that greets him. 

“Uh, hi.” 

It’s one of his students from the front row of class, the blond with the pretty blue eyes and the Mets cap. They’re barely gone over anything substantial today, though, just the breakdown of the semester and the one reading Rafael had requested the student complete before the first day. He can’t imagine what questions this guy could possibly have for him already. 

“Hi,” Rafael answers, narrowing his eyes. “I’d invite you to sit but as you can see, I’ve already been invaded.”

“Yes, hello, I come in peace,” Rita adds. Rafael fights not to roll his eyes. 

“Ignore her. You’re in my class. What can I help you with?”

Mets Cap looks surprised that Rafael has recognized him but covers it up well enough. “Nothing, really. I just wanted to stop by and say I’m looking forward to learning from you. I’ve read a lot of great reviews about the class.”

“Did you read the one that was basically a proposal to the ‘sexiest professor known to NYU and also the world’?” Rita asks, and Rafael doesn’t have to look at her to be able to perfectly picture the evil glee he knows is written all over her face. 

Sonny, on the other hand, looks entirely caught off-guard and seems to be searching for an appropriate answer before Rafael spares him. 

“I appreciate that,” he says. “Sorry, you know my name, but you are?”

“Oh, Sonny.” He holds a hand out, practically beaming when Rafael shakes it. “Sonny Carisi.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Sonny Carisi. Now I know who I can pick on for answers first in class.”

“I’ll do my best to be ready for you.”

Rita snorts from behind them, and Rafael shakes his head, silently imploring Sonny to ignore her. Sonny gets the hint, only smiling and giving Rafael’s hand the slightest hint of an understanding squeeze before letting go. 

“I’d better get going to my next class. I’ll see you, Professor.”

Rafael and Rita sit in silence for a beat after Sonny has left, Rafael finding himself oddly deep in thought and Rita, he suspects, deciding how first to tease. 

“So that was a student?” Rafael can already see where she’s going with this. “What is he, pushing forty?”

“Oh, leave him alone, you know as well as I do it’s never too late to decide you want to start practicing law.” Rafael glances over his shoulder at the closed door, smiling to himself before letting it widen to a grin as he turns back to Rita. “Besides, I’m pretty sure he’s the only one who didn’t write down my ‘learn from each other’ pitch. I like him already.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the feedback! Writing this AU has been an interesting exercise in trying to maintain a balance in characterizations and writing these versions of Sonny and Rafael have led me to some interesting twists and turns for parts to come. I hope you all enjoy the journey, too!


	3. you try to smile it away, some things you can't disguise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Sonny’s horror, the operator wastes no time cutting him off. “We have a single here!” the man shouts. Sonny swears he’s being loud enough to reach all four other boroughs in the city. 
> 
> “Please, that’s really not necessary!” 
> 
> The operator ignores him. “Anyone available to join the single rider?”
> 
> “I’ll join.”
> 
> Sonny whips his head around to find the volunteer, searching the waiting crowd behind him until they part to reveal…
> 
> Rafael Barba. Holy shit.

Two weeks into his assignment, Sonny is feeling like a complete failure.

“Any updates?” Liv had asked this morning. 

The answer had come in the form of a sheepish no, though he’d spent a solid five minutes trying to justify himself and why he was still coming up empty before finally realizing nothing he could say would wipe the disappointment from the Lieu’s face. 

“If we need to send backup in, we can get Rollins in there, too.”

Sonny had shaken his head so hard he’d nearly given himself whiplash. “No! That’s not necessary, I can handle this, seriously. I mean, you have to figure, Buchanan’s probably not going to pull any major stunts on a student this early into the semester, right? Besides, he’s probably got a feeling he’s walking on eggshells. But we know guys like this, Liv, he won’t be able to behave for very long and then I’ll be there to catch him.”

That’d satisfied her well enough. “Fine. Fine, Carisi, but in the meantime, don’t forget about Barba. If Buchanan isn’t doing anything worth watching yet, Barba’s your next best bet when it comes to information. You haven’t even spoken to him in private yet.”

It’s true, Barba had proven to be much more elusive than Sonny had anticipated. A request for a one-on-one to further discuss a reading had been met with instruction to set up a good time to chat online and every other time Sonny has approached him, Barba’s been flanked by Leslie and Carmen. He isn’t sure why the hell it’s been so difficult to get him alone but Liv’s words give him the resolve to double his efforts. 

Not like it’s difficult to find the drive to do it. Despite Barba’s apparent desire to avoid direct contact with his students as much as possible, Sonny’s found him to be a compelling teacher. The lectures are engaging, even the readings they’ve been given are much less dry than anything he’d been given at Fordham. The reviews about his classes had been generally positive but almost all of them had also mentioned how attractive Barba is so Sonny had brushed the majority of them off. He understands now, though. He wishes he’d had a professor like Barba the first time around. The only thing left to do is figure out how the hell to get Barba to spend a few minutes with him. 

As it turns out, Sonny’s luck turns on Friday afternoon.

“Hey, did you hear about this weekend’s campus Pride event?”

Sonny glances up at Leslie, who’s plopped down at the empty desk beside him with a warm smile. Barba, in true form, had left the second class had been dismissed, but Leslie and Carmen always stick around to answer any residual questions they’re capable of answering. He may not have been able to get close to Barba yet but it’s to Sonny’s good fortune that Leslie has taken a liking to him. It’s a step in the right direction, anyway.

“I saw flyers. Ferris wheel’s hard to miss, too.”

“Isn’t it great? You should come tonight.” Leslie pauses, his lips twitching like he’s trying to hold back a smile. “Rafael will be there, too.”

“Barba? Is he—”

Leslie cuts him off before Sonny can even think twice about asking the question on the tip of his tongue. “He’s the reason we have the wheel in the first place. Carmen and I are on the Pride committee, we wanted something big to attract more people. Rafael got Dean Barth to sign off on the Ferris wheel, basically paid for it where our funds came up short. Everything else is basic block party stuff, food and entertainment booths. It’s going to be a whole big thing, open to the public and everything.”

“You sound really excited about it.”

“I am. The school’s never done anything for Pride on this scale before, it just feels good to know we get to be a part of doing it for the community.” He pauses, shrugging a shoulder. “Helps to be able to say someone like Rafael is on our side, too. People like to talk sometimes, you know? But you won’t find too many people who won’t agree he’s a good man.”

“I haven’t heard anything different.” Sonny pauses, narrowing his eyes. “Wait, why even bring him up? Like the fact that he’s going to be there is what’s going to convince me to come?”

Leslie blinks innocently, shrugging a shoulder before lowering his chin down onto his palm. “Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you keep begging him to meet with you even though we all know you understand the material perfectly well.”

Sonny’s eyes widen as he begins to sputter. “Beg-- Me? Begging to meet with him, are you-- Oh, my god, you’re serious, I haven’t been begging, there’s been no begging!”

“Oh, no? So you haven’t e-mailed Rafael six times in the last two weeks looking for a face-to-face?”

“He’s my professor, I’m divvied up under the group of students he’s responsible for, am I not? I can’t ask for a little direct mentorship?”

Leslie reaches out to give Sonny a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “Of course you can, and Rafael wants to give it to you.” He pauses, lifting an eyebrow. “If you actually need it. You do every reading, you got every single question right on the first quiz, you participate in all the discussions without any trouble at all. So tell me, Sonny, what kind of mentorship are you really looking for?”

Sonny’s cheeks burn at the question and he lowers his eyes to the open notebook on his desk, tapping his pen nervously against the paper. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m not trying to embarrass you. You admire him, it’s hard not to, Carmen and I were the same way when we took his class. I just want you to understand he tries really hard not to get too close to his students so it’s not like he’s trying to avoid you, specifically. People haven’t exactly treated him with the respect he deserves in the past.”

Frowning, Sonny risks a curious glance back up at Leslie. “What do you mean?”

Leslie sighs, shaking his head. “Honestly, I shouldn’t have even said anything. He’s been through a lot, that’s all. But Rafael does like you, he thinks you’re sharp. We always know who his favorite student is going to be for the semester. Pretty sure you’re in the lead. Anyway, that’s why I mentioned he’s going to be there tonight. Figured if you wanted your face-to-face, this might be a good time to get it.”

That earns Leslie a pleased grin. Sonny leans back in his chair, shutting his notebook as he does. “Is there a hint of favoritism in the air or is that just me?”

Leslie rolls his eyes, pushing himself up and waving a dismissive wrist. “Call it what you want. Just make sure you keep it to yourself.”

—

Sonny doesn’t know _why_ he’d gone all the way home from campus to change just to come back to campus for the Pride event but it happens before he can talk himself out of it.

Okay, maybe he does know why, it’s just that he doesn’t necessarily want to admit it. The thing is, if he’s going to be spending anything resembling quality time with Barba, he doesn’t want to be wearing the same thing he’d worn in class to do it. He’s aiming for a separation here, between student and confidant, he wants Barba to eventually be able to see him as more than just a face in the classroom. Switching out his Mets shirts for a dark blue henley and a more flattering pair of jeans does the trick well enough, he thinks. He’s trying but not too hard and good god, when has he ever put this much thought into what kind of vibe his wardrobe is really giving off? 

As soon as he’s stepped out of the Uber, Sonny nearly stops in his tracks. There’s no question of where the festivities are, the entire lawn in front of Vanderbilt has been transformed into something nearly unrecognizable. The Ferris wheel has been there for a couple days getting set up, yes, but it’s beautiful against the night sky, the outer rim shifting from magenta to dark purple and the inside of the circle flaring out the colors of the rainbow. A large banner boasting the words NYU PRIDE 2018 hangs between two magnolia trees welcome him as he wanders between rows of game and food booths, grinning at the happy chatter and laughter surrounding him. It’s an incredible sight to behold, he’s never seen anything like it, and it occurs to him that the reason for that is because he’s never actually been to a Pride event at all. It’s not for lack of wanting to, it’s just that he’s never quite felt up to attending one alone. 

Sonny’s not sure what it says about him that only now, as an undercover student at NYU, he doesn’t feel so alone.

Not until he reaches the front of the line for the Ferris wheel, anyway.

“Who you riding with?” the operator asks. 

There’s what Sonny supposes can pass as a friendly smile on the guy’s face but it still makes him shift awkwardly as he shakes his head. “Oh, no, I’m not with any--”

To Sonny’s horror, the operator wastes no time cutting him off. “We have a single here!” the man shouts. Sonny swears he’s being loud enough to reach all four other boroughs in the city. 

“Please, that’s really not necessary!” 

The operator ignores him. “Anyone available to join the single rider?”

“I’ll join.”

Sonny whips his head around to find the volunteer, searching the waiting crowd behind him until they part to reveal…

Rafael Barba. Holy shit. 

“You don’t have to,” Sonny says, holding a placating hand up as Barba approaches him, “it’s not a big deal.”

“I’ve been meaning to give it a try all night,” Barba counters, already stepping into the Ferris wheel car. “No time like the present.”

Staring slack-jawed after him, Sonny barely manages to offer a sarcastic word of thanks to the operator before they’re being locked into the car and the wheel goes spinning. Gripping the edge of his side of the car, Barba lets out a nervous laugh, though he seems to lose some of the tension in his shoulders once he catches Sonny staring at him.

“What? You’ve been trying to meet up with me all this time and now that I’m sitting right next to you, you want nothing to do with me?”

“No, it’s not that,” Sonny says quickly. “It’s just… you didn’t have to do this. Seriously. Thank you.”

The corners of Barba’s mouth twitch. “It’s my pleasure.”

After a beat, after letting himself process that he’s exactly where he needs to be, Sonny allows himself to take a breath and relax against the back of the car. “So Leslie says you’re the reason this wheel’s here in the first place.”

“Leslie likes to exaggerate. I asked for permission and contributed to the fund, that’s all.”

“That’s not for nothing. I, for one, am pretty glad I get to be sitting on this thing with you.”

“Oh, now you are,” Barba teases, laughing at the glare Sonny returns. “ I guess I am, too. It gives me a chance to ask you how the hell you always seem to have the right answers to every single pop quiz I give in class. Are you sure you’re a first-year student?”

That catches Sonny off-guard but only for a split second before he’s able to recover. “I’m sorry, are you complaining that I’m paying attention to the material? You sure you’re actually a professor?”

“Oh, he’s funny, too,” Barba says dryly, though he does nothing to hide his amusement. “So what, your other half couldn’t make it tonight?”

“Other-- No. No, I’m very single.” _Very_ single? For Christ’s sake. Sonny would kick himself if he could.

“Huh. That surprises me.” Barba says it casually but it leaves Sonny wanting to hear so much more.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I’ve watched you in class, I see you help other students who aren’t grasping the topics we discuss as well as you. You seem like a good man. Besides, you’re smart, attractive. Everything screams ‘catch.’”

“Oh, please. You have to say that because you’re my teacher.”

“Actually, I shouldn’t say that _because_ I’m your teacher.”

“Right.” Sonny doesn’t dare look at Barba, his cheeks are too pink even under the dim light of the Ferris wheel, he’s sure of it, so he gazes down at the faraway flurry of activity on the ground below them. They sit together in a silence that’s more comfortable than he would have expected until they finally reach the very top of the circle and Sonny finds the courage to meet Barba’s gaze again. “What about you?”

Barba blinks at him, tilting his head. “What about me?”

“Well, I mean, are you with someone? You and Calhoun seem pretty close.”

Barba laughs outright at that, almost instantly prompting all of Sonny’s inexplicable nerves over the answer to the question to fade. “God, no, Rita and I aren’t together. She’s just a close friend of mine. My best friend, probably. We met at Harvard, she followed me here. Hasn’t left me alone since.”

There’s a sense of relief that floods over him that Sonny doesn’t let himself acknowledge or more closely examine. His knee is a mere centimeter away from Barba’s, the slightest shift would allow them to touch, and Sonny has admittedly imagined more than once already that Barba’s skin beneath his fingers would be very warm. There’s heat between them already, even up here in the cool of the evening air, but Sonny feels like a fool because he’s certain he’s the only one who feels it. An undercover detective with a slowly but surely developing crush on his teacher, how ridiculous is that?

“Okay, so you’re not with her. Someone else?”

Barba shakes his head, the small smirk on his face a little bittersweet. “No. Nobody else. I haven’t done any serious dating since before I started teaching at NYU.”

“No time?”

“Something like that. The last one, he gave me a few reasons to think twice before trying again.” He pauses, examining what Sonny is certain passes as a neutral face, not too interested and not too casual. “Now you’re the one who seems surprised.”

Shit. 

“No! I mean— I don’t know what I mean. I wasn’t sure, I didn’t know if it would be appropriate to ask.”

“There hasn’t been too much of our conversation that _has_ been appropriate so far,” Barba points out with an easy laugh, gently nudging Sonny’s side with an elbow. “Normally, I wouldn’t be so candid.”

“What’s different about right now?”

Barba looks taken aback by the question, as if he hadn’t considered what the answer might actually be. He looks down at a loose thread on his khaki pants, tight in all the right places but especially the thighs, which Sonny has valiantly been trying been hard to ignore the entire time they’ve been sitting beside each other. Barba picks at the thread in silence that lasts so long, Sonny wonders if maybe his time’s up, maybe drawing attention to the fact that Barba had opened up to him at all had been a mistake. That’s a problem. 

But then, Barba’s looking up at him again with his green eyes shining and for a split second, Sonny’s not sure he remembers how to breathe. 

“I don’t really know,” Barba finally admits. “I guess you make me feel comfortable.”

“That’s unusual?” Sonny prods cautiously. 

“For the most part. With a student, most definitely. Maybe it’s because I know you’ve been around the block before. You’re old enough to have taken hits in your life. That’s what brought you back to school, isn’t it? You’re starting over from something?”

In many ways, Barba isn’t wrong. Sonny has taken hits, he has been around the block. Sometimes he thinks maybe he should quit the NYPD altogether and take up something entirely new, become a novelist or a chef or something, anything that would keep him from watching people suffer from abject misery every single day. 

But there are days when he leaves court after a guilty verdict and feels like he can do no wrong. Those are the days that make him remember why he loves his job. The only trouble with that here is he has to look this man in the eyes and lie about it, even with the truth hanging tantalizingly on the tip of his tongue. 

“Yeah,” he finds himself saying, almost as if he’s on autopilot. He’s practiced the lie, over and over at home until he’d practically managed to convince himself it’s true. “Yeah, I just wanted to do something better with my life. Something meaningful. It was either this or be a baseball player but one was a little more achievable than the other. I’m guessing you get what that’s like.”

“More than you know. If it helps, I think you’re on the right track.”

With a jolt, the wheel starts turning again, and Barba huffs a laugh before deflating back against his seat, turning his head to look at the ground. 

“I like being on Ferris wheels but I always forget not to look down,” he says, his head quickly snapping back up to fix his eyes on Sonny’s. 

Sonny lifts a brow, amused. “You’re afraid of heights?”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Barba argues. He puffs his chest out just slightly, hands clasped so tightly over his knees that his knuckles have turned white. “I just get a little unsettled.”

“So… you’re afraid of heights,” Sonny teases. Without a second thought, he reaches over to cover one of Barba’s hands with his own and squeezes, too distracted by how unexpectedly soft and, indeed, warm the skin beneath his fingers is to think about what he’s just done. “Don’t worry, Professor. I’ve got you.”

Barba stares at their hands, shoulders stiffening, though he makes no move to pull away. Sonny, too, sits frozen in place with his eyes fixed on the connection they’ve made, one that makes his whole body burn with a confusing combination of humiliation and anticipation for what Barba might do or say about it. He holds his breath, not daring to move except to let his gaze flicker from their hands to Barba’s face, searching for any hint of what to expect next. 

As they round closer to the bottom of the wheel, Barba swallows hard then clears his throat. “I think I’m good now,” he says softly. “I appreciate it.”

They ride the rest of the way down in tense silence, Sonny’s brain working overtime as he chastises himself for not keeping himself in check, for obviously crossing a line. He’s here to work, _work_ , to gain information and watch Buchanan for the safety of young women who don’t deserve anything less than his best—but he’s learned nothing. He’d spent an entire Ferris wheel ride with Rafael Barba and learned nothing. 

That’s not entirely true, a voice in the back of his head tells him, it’s just that he hadn’t learned anything relevant to the case. 

When the ride attendant stops the wheel to let them out, Barba still hasn’t said anything, and he climbs out of the car without a word or even a glance back over his shoulder. Sonny thinks with certainty he’d screwed this up, ruined any possibility of building on the foundation of trust he’d earned. He’d lost that in the revolution of a wheel, one swift motion. He can’t believe his own failure.

He has no choice but to try to repair it. 

“Barba,” he calls, following closely on Barba’s heels. He tries again when Barba won’t look at him. “Barba, hey.” Sonny darts in front of the professor, effectively blocking Barba’s path, holding his hands up in mock surrender. “Look, I’m really sorry if I overstepped. I shouldn’t have done that, I wasn’t thinking. I was just trying to make you feel better.”

Barba barely glances at him before returning his gaze to the grass between them. They’re surrounded by laughter, by students and faculty and community playing games and breaking bread over shared senses of selves. It’s a little horrifying to see Barba looking so… _sad_.

“I’ve had students try this with me before,” Barba says, keeping his voice low. “I’m not here to be seduced. I don’t give out As for flirtation. That shit doesn’t work on me, do you understand?”

Sonny’s jaw drops, he recoils like Barba’s physically slapped in the face. “I— _No_. No. How could you even think— god, I’m so sorry.” His voice is imploring but Barba doesn’t look convinced. “Listen, if I was flirting, it’s not because I was looking for a grade, it’s because you’re so damn gorgeous it makes it hard for me to think straight when I’m that close to you.”

His own words make him cringe, and Sonny lifts a hand to scrub over his face with a frustrated groan. 

“Wow. Wow, see, I didn’t mean to say that, either. You’re just— no, you know what? If I say anything else, I’m going to regret it so I’m just going to tell you one more time that I am not trying to use you, I’m perfectly capable of passing your class on my own, but I’ll understand if you’d prefer for me to go to Leslie or Carmen when it comes to anything related to class. That’s it. I’m done. Full stop.”

“That’s it, you’re done, full stop?” Barba repeats. 

When Sonny finds the nerve to look at him again, he’s pleasantly surprised to find a faint hint of a flush on Barba’s cheeks and a hesitant but pleased smile. 

“Please don’t think that about me,” Sonny says, taking a step closer. “I would never do that. I wouldn’t use you.”

Even as he says the words, he realized he’s being dishonest. Not in this way, maybe, not in the way Barba thinks; but Sonny’s here for a reason. It’s too easy to forget that, he realizes, especially in such close proximity to Barba. 

“Okay,” Barba says. He sighs, shaking out his neck and shoulders like he’s preparing for something, then takes a deep breath. “I think I know how you can make this up to me.”

Sonny narrows his eyes but bites, chuckling. “That so? How?”

“You said you thought about being a baseball player.” Barba points at one of the booths just ahead of them, one of those game booths that require knocking down a stack of pins with a baseball to win an obnoxiously big stuffed animal. “Win me something.”

Sonny gapes at him, though the corners of his mouth are turned up with boyish excitement. He’s got a good arm, always has. If this gets him back on track with Barba, he’s happy to play ball. “You’re serious?”

Barba nods. “Pretend like your grade depends on it.”

“Oh, now you’ve got jokes.” Sonny grins at Barba’s laugh, soaking in its sound, in how loudly joyful and infectious it is. He can see why Leslie and Carmen and Rita remain so close to him, so loyal. “Fine, I’m going to win you one of those big ones, and I’m not helping you carry it home.”

“I’ll just call an Uber for two,” Barba retorts as they walk side-by-side toward the booth. Their hands dangle dangerously close to each other but their fingertips never quite touch. “You just worry about showing off.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the very long wait on this update! I wasn't entirely sure what direction I wanted to take the story and psyched myself out with overthinking it. I kind of got some writing mojo back, though, so I'm hoping I'll be able to give this WIP more of my attention because I do enjoy writing it. I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and I'll work on bringing you another between prompts over at Tumblr and my other WIP as soon as I can!


	4. need a second to breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny is a good man. Rafael knows it. That’s what makes this morning coffee habit they’ve developed all the more dangerous for both of them. And yet, Rafael has no intention of putting an end to it. 
> 
> “Well, now that you’ve been subjected to hearing all that, I think it’s only right you start calling me Rafael.”

The next time Sonny sees Barba outside of the classroom happens completely by accident.

He’s nearly two hours early for class because he’d bailed from the 16th with his tail between his legs thanks to another lecture from Liv about his productivity on the case (or, according to her, his lack thereof). She’d sent him away with a dismissive flick of her wrist like she’d been talking to a parasite, and Sonny knows he’s taking it way too personally but he hates it when he feels like he’s disappointing Liv. She has a way of staring at him over the rim of her glasses the same way his mom does and this morning, he’d had a distinct flashback to the time he’d told his mom he’d passed the bar and the first thing she’d said was, “I didn’t even know you were taking it.”

So now he’s here, wandering the area just outside of campus grounds as he sends a snappy text in response to his sister’s morning horoscope report, followed immediately by an apology for his irritability. 

What crawled up your ass this morning?

Sonny grimaces at the message. Work stuff. Don’t worry about it.

When he looks up from his phone, he spots a cafe across the street and breathes a sigh of relief. A couple of cups of joe should perk him right up in time for class, he thinks, and if nothing else, seeing Barba will. 

The second he ducks inside, his first thought is he’s made a huge mistake. 

The place hadn’t looked so bad from the exterior but Sonny had drastically misjudged it. Inside, it seems every space is occupied by college students with laptops and headphones, all of them robotically alternating between sipping their beverages and typing at a speed Sonny is sure he’d never be able to manage. He very nearly decides to turn around and leave for the sake of finding somewhere he can actually think when he spots a lone figure at a table for two in the far corner.

Barba. He looks good, though that’s nothing new, dressed in those flattering jeans paired with a pale pink button down. His sleeves are rolled up to the elbow and there’s a black blazer hanging from the back of his chair. He’d look put together if not for the messy hair and days old stubble. Sonny thinks it suits him.

“Hey,” Sonny says to the barista, grateful that he’d apparently come at just the right time because there’s a new line forming behind him. He gestures subtly at Barba, glancing over his shoulder then back at the barista. “You happen to remember that guy’s order?”

Five minutes later, he’s inching his way between the tables with two cups of coffee in hand until he reaches Barba.

“We got a single here?” Sonny asks, grinning as Barba looks up at him with a furrowed brow. It takes him a minute but then his forehead smooths and he’s laughing.

“We do,” Barba says, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest. “It’s not quite the Ferris wheel, though, I hope you won’t mind.”

Sonny shakes his head, setting the cups down before lowering himself into the empty seat. “Not at all. You like it better this way, don’t you? Feet firmly planted on the ground.” Barba doesn’t answer him, just tilts his head with what almost seems like curiosity, but Sonny finds himself desperate to change the subject. “So, uh, this doesn’t really seem like your scene. It’s packed in here.”

Barba narrows his eyes, though he nods his agreement. “It’s mostly English majors,” he admits. “Believe it or not, I rarely run into my students here. You do always seem to be an exception to the rule, though.” He eyes the second cup of coffee on the table once Sonny takes a sip from his own. “Are you expecting someone? If you just needed the table, I can--”

“It’s for you.” Barba’s lips stop moving but his mouth hangs open, his eyes wide with surprise. Sonny rubs the back of his neck, chuckling sheepishly. “Yeah. I asked what your order was, figured you could always use another one. I think the only time I haven’t seen you with a coffee within reaching distance was at the fair.”

Hesitantly, Barba reaches for it, his long fingers curling around the cup and pulling it toward his side of the table. Sonny can’t keep his eyes off the veins showing so prominently on his hand, and he knows he isn’t the only one who has a tendency to stare because he’s got people in class doing it more than a few times. Everything about Barba always seems to be obviously attractive yet with a hint of mystery behind it all, Sonny can’t explain it.

All he knows is even just sitting here, he wants so badly to reach out and rest his hand over Barba’s. He craves the contact, the warmth of Barba’s skin, the same way he’d gotten a taste of it on that Ferris wheel.

“Thank you,” Barba says, breaking the silence between them. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know,” Sonny tells him, meeting Barba’s eyes and offering a small, sincere smile. “I wanted to.”

The meetings happen like that almost every day for the next two weeks: seven o’clock, Sonny shows up and Barba is always at the same table. By ten past seven, Barba removes his bag from the other seat to make room for Sonny and they share their morning coffee together between stories that never get too personal and easy laughter that Sonny knows he wouldn’t be privy to under different circumstances. 

They can’t be seen walking into class together, Barba had told him the first time, because he wouldn’t want the rest of his students to even suspect there’s anything remotely like favoritism going on here. Sonny had tried to pry once, to ask Barba why it makes him so uncomfortable to even broach the topic, but Barba never fails to find a way to steer the conversation in another direction. It’s a curious thing, one Sonny almost wants to ask Calhoun because he’s sure she would know, but Barba is the kind of man who takes his space and privacy seriously. Sonny can’t bear the thought of disrespecting him like that, of risking the loss of Barba’s trust.

Because of the case, he keeps reminding himself. He needs to hold on to Barba’s trust for the sake of the case. 

So why does it sound more and more like a lie every time he thinks it?

That’s exactly what prompts the firm decision he’s made today. Nothing that could be considered wildly inappropriate has come to pass between him and Barba but frankly, the more time they spend with each other, the more Sonny wants to get to know more than what’s on the surface. There’s something about it that feels terribly wrong because he already knows so much more about Barba than he can ever truly lead on but hearing Barba hint at things here and there, realizing Barba probably wants to say more, too, it’s maddening. 

Liv would chew him out for this, there’s no question of it. This wasn’t supposed to happen, this wasn’t part of going undercover, he’s not supposed to be falling harder and harder every day for a man he’s meant to be pressing for information; but Sonny has never been particularly good at concealing the way he feels and this morning, Bella had read him his horoscope:

“The energy radiating from the day’s aspect encourages you to initiate a date with someone special. There’s been too much of a down to earth influence around, you may find you’ve bogged yourselves down in conversation about subjects that are mundane. Nevertheless, you feel emotionally secure with each other. Love is in the air.”

It’s ridiculous, Sonny is well are of that, but he’d gone silent for far too long and had thought about it the whole time he’d been trying not to stare too longingly at Barba over coffee. 

Initiate a date. It’s not so outrageous, is it? 

As soon as class is over, Sonny rises from his seat, already taking a few steps toward Barba. They lock eyes, Barba’s smile is faint but present, even as he turns to answer a question from another student. Sonny can wait.

“Hey, Sonny!” It’s Arielle. She’s not the shy, blushing girl he’d met on the first day of class anymore, not now that they’ve gotten to know each other better. They share Buchanan’s class, too, Sonny has even participated in a couple group study sessions at her invitation, if only to keep up appearances of needing to put the extra work in to pass.

His eyes dart between Barba and Arielle, not wanting to miss out on his chance to catch Barba before he leaves. “Hi, hey. Good class today.”

“What? Oh, yeah, good class. So listen, there’s a concert tomorrow night at Le Poisson Rouge. It’s actually Zach’s band. You know, The Boroughers?”

Sonny smirks, though he has to resist the urge to roll his eyes. “Cute.”

“Yeah, they’re inviting everyone, even all our professors. Zach says any audience is a good audience. Buchanan already said he’d be there. They got a maybe from Calhoun and Barba said he’d check his schedule, which I’m pretty sure is just his version of a no. You should totally come check it out, though, we can have a few drinks and hang. There’s even a dance floor.”

There’s no stopping the swell of disappointment that comes with hearing Rafael almost definitely wouldn’t be there but Buchanan’s promise is impossible to ignore and Sonny shifts his attention entirely to Arielle. It’s a good way to keep an eye on the professor, maybe even get some new and sorely needed information before Liv blows another gasket over how slowly the case is progressing. 

“I don’t know,” he says, feigning the need to be convinced, “we’ve got a quiz coming up on Monday, you know Buchanan’s are never forgiving.”

“Oh, come on, it’ll be fun. Besides, if our professor can party, so can we, right?”

Sonny laughs, shrugging a shoulder as if conceding to her nonsensical point. “Guess I can’t argue with that. I’ll be there.”

Arielle beams, resting a hand on Sonny’s forearm. He lifts his brows in his surprise but she doesn’t seem to notice, squeezing his arm just slightly. “It’s a date. See you tomorrow.”

“Oh, I--” Before he can finish his protest, Arielle releases his arm and heads for the door, leaving Sonny staring after her and wondering what the hell had just happened. He looks back at where Barba had been standing and finds the spot empty, to his enormous disappointment, though Leslie is glancing his way with an odd look on his face.

This is not how he’d planned to end the afternoon.

\--

When Sonny sits down across from him on Friday morning, Rafael can barely bring himself to look at him. 

It’s not fair, he knows that, not to either of them. He has no right to feel resentment, no right to the ugly jealousy that’s been bubbling inside of him, no right to any of it. Since they’d started doing this (this, _this_ , whatever this is), Rafael has learned a lot about Sonny:

He has a younger sister named Bella and two older sisters, Gina and Theresa. Bella is borderline obsessed with astrology, Theresa is a golddigger (Sonny’s words, spoken with what Rafael supposes could pass for brotherly affection) and Gina is…

“Well, she’s Gina,” Sonny had said. “Half the time, I’m not even sure I really know her as well as I think I do.”

Sonny has no pets, lives in a studio priced as a one-bedroom on East 11th and goes to church every Sunday like a good Catholic. He’d played Little League as a kid, had almost pursued priesthood, and had last seen his parents during the holidays because as much as Sonny loves them, they can be overwhelmingly frustrating to be around too often. Rafael hasn’t told Sonny about his own father, about the nights he’d stayed awake in bed wondering whether his father would burst through the door in a drunken rage over something Rafael might have done days prior. 

No, what he’s told Sonny so far is sterile, safe. Not too deep, not too personal, because even though Sonny is so loose with information about himself, Rafael has never been the type to trust easily, not even before he’d ended up with two scars on his back.

The problem is, Rafael feels compelled to say more. He wants to say more, to share things with Sonny he’s only ever shared with Rita. When Sonny looks at him, it’s with more than just admiration or curious awe. When Sonny looks at him, Rafael feels like just for a little while, for the time they spend here together, nobody else in the room exists. He thinks of the giant stuffed penguin Sonny had won for him at the fair and has to duck his head to keep from flushing. The penguin is still at his place, taking up far too much space in the corner of Rafael’s bedroom, and it makes him smile every morning, very much like he’s been smiling at Sonny the past couple weeks.

He has no right.

“Is everything okay?” Sonny asks. He drums his fingers on the table, almost nervously. It’s not like him. “You’re quiet.”

Rafael thinks of the end of class yesterday. He thinks of how good he’d felt when Sonny had smiled at him and how awful it’d felt when he’d looked back to see Arielle’s hand wrapped around Sonny’s wrist. No goddamn right. 

Maybe he’s just trying to find something else to be upset about, Rafael reasons. Maybe the prospect of having to deal with tomorrow is driving him to focus his frustrations on anything that could act as a distraction. Yes. That’d be preferable to what he knows, deep down, is the truth.

“Fine,” Rafael says. He tries to sound casual but even to his own ears, it’s forced. “I just have a lot on my mind.

“So what are you up to tonight?” Sonny asks. 

Now Sonny sounds too casual, like he’d rehearsed the question, but that seems like such an absurd possibility Rafael dismisses it. He shrugs, pausing to take a sip of his coffee. “I’ll probably just end up finally finishing my book. Stephen King’s latest. I’ve got about a hundred pages left and at this point, the ending can be as shitty as it wants, I just want to be done with it.”

“I would say it sounds relaxing but you’ve somehow made it sound like a pain in the ass.”

“I have a knack for that,” Rafael says with a chuckle. “I’m not as bad as I used to be, in my defense. Rita actually used to call me Eeyore before--”

He stops short, buying himself time to cover up the silence with another sip. 

Before he’d gotten hurt, is what he’d almost said; before he’d been attacked is how Rita would have corrected him.

“Professor?”

Rafael snaps his gaze back up to find Sonny looking concerned. He wonders how much time had passed since he’d last spoken, even since Sonny had asked the question. His coffee cup is empty now. Rafael can’t remember drinking the whole thing.

“Sorry, I…” Rafael trails off, chewing on his bottom lip as he studies Sonny’s face. 

This isn’t something he talks about, not even with his own mother, much less his students. Rita is the only person he has ever felt comfortable divulging his feelings to without hesitation, she’s the only one who knows everything about how he’d handled things then (burying himself in his work) and how he handles things now (burying himself in his work), but he looks into the deep blue of Sonny’s eyes to find nothing but warmth and compassion reflected back at him. 

Isn’t this what he wants? Isn’t Sonny someone he wants to believe he can trust? Push aside the way it makes his chest tight to think of Sonny being with someone else because it’s not like that matters, it’s not like this could be any more than what it is right now, but Sonny is different. He’s been different from the very first day of class. When the semester is over, Rafael can even imagine Sonny remaining a friend. They wouldn’t be here together if Rafael hadn’t wanted to be here, after all. He doesn’t do this, has never done it, not for any of his students.

Until Sonny. He wonders how many more “until Sonny” situations there are going to be. In that split second, Rafael decided there’s no harm in having another one now.

“Back on the first day of class, I mentioned my injury.”

Sonny’s eyes widen a little but he remains still, stops his fidgeting, gives Rafael his undivided attention. “I remember. You said you didn’t want questions about it.”

“I don’t. You didn’t ask but I want to tell. Does that make you uncomfortable?”

Sonny shakes his head firmly, his tone sincere when he says, “Not at all.”

“It was the brother of a perp I helped put away,” Rafael explains, absently picking up the butter knife on the table and making a slashing gesture before dropping it back down with a clatter. “He was looking for revenge. Found it in me. His name was Ty Clarkson, he broke into my house in the middle of the night and stabbed me twice in the back while I was sleeping. It’ll be seven years tomorrow.” 

Rafael glances up to find Sonny struggling to keep his expression neutral, in spite of the fact his breath hitches. 

“I tried sticking with the DA’s office for a little while after that. Didn’t work out, obviously, neither did my relationship at the time.”

Alex had left him soon after the attack, the pressure of being expected to care for a healing Rafael had proven to be too much for him, but Rafael forgives him for it. Alex doesn’t know that, they haven’t spoken since he’d left, but it’s the truth. That had taken a long time, coming to terms with what had driven Alex away, but Rafael thinks he understands it well enough now. They’d been together for just under two years before it’d happened, though they’d known each other since childhood. Their time together had been good, Rafael carries a lot of fond memories and he remembers a time when they’d made big plans for their future together because, at some point, they’d been in love. 

Just because his own plans had been interrupted doesn’t mean Alex should have been obligated to put his on hold, too. Rita disagrees, of course, but Rafael has to allow that because it hurts too much to expect more out of someone he’d known nearly his entire life. Alex is the only partner he’s had who’s seen his scars, Rafael had insisted on keeping his undershirt on for the last couple sexual encounters he’d had, but it’s been a long time since he’s been intimate with anyone at all. Some days, he misses having someone to wake up next to in the morning; other days, the thought of baring his scarred body to someone new overwhelms him to the point of nausea.

“Anyway,” he continues, tracing the rim of his mug with his index finger, “if I’m quiet, I guess that’s my excuse. Some days, it all just seems like a distant memory but on others, I remember it like it happened yesterday.” Rafael frowns into his cup, tapping his foot in an effort to find a release for his rush of embarrassment. “God, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you all that. It was inappropriate.”

“No.” Sonny ducks his head so he can find Rafael’s eyes, offering a small and understanding smile. “Sometimes it’s just nice to have someone to talk to, you know? I don’t take it for granted, Barba, you trusting me enough to tell me about what happened.”

To be fair, Sonny could probably just Google it and he’d come up with much more information than Rafael had provided. Still, Rafael has to admit that it feels good to actually say the words to someone face-to-face without having to worry about judgment or worse, pity.

Sonny is a good man. Rafael knows it. That’s what makes this morning coffee habit they’ve developed all the more dangerous for both of them. And yet, Rafael has no intention of putting an end to it. 

“Well, now that you’ve been subjected to hearing all that, I think it’s only right you start calling me Rafael.”

Sonny tests saying the name out loud, beaming when he earns Rafael’s sheepish smile. “Okay. Listen, Rafael, there’s this thing tonight over at Le Poisson Rouge. Someone’s band is playing, there’s room to dance, there’s booze. I’ll be there. If you decide you want to be there, too, maybe it’ll be a good distraction from… everything. You don’t have to be alone.”

He doesn’t feel alone. Not here, not now, not with Sonny. Being out in an environment like that, though, surrounded by students he actually knows, that’s a different story.

Even so, there’s already a little voice in the back of his head negotiating all the reasons why it would be just fine. 

“We’ll see,” Rafael says. “I’ll think about it.”

\--

Sonny hadn’t thought this through.

He’s been to Le Poisson Rouge before, a few years back, to see one of Bella’s friends sing but that had been a much quieter affair. The Boroughers, on the other hand, are nothing if not obnoxiously loud. Sonny can’t quite decide what genre the band is trying to fit into, it’s a strange mix between indie rock and reggae, and he’s spent a good amount of time so far drinking beer and watching the band with a bewildered look on his face.

To add insult to injury, Buchanan is nowhere to be found and neither is Rafael. 

He supposes the one good thing to come out of the evening in spite of the fact he can’t get on board with the music, he’s admittedly still having a good time. Arielle had waved him down the moment she’d entered with her friends, most of them people Sonny had recognized from shared classes. So far, they’ve shared two rounds of tequila shots and Sonny is on his third beer. He’s reached a pleasant buzz, a level he’s more than happy to keep steady, so he doesn’t protest when Arielle takes him by the hand and drags him toward the dance floor.

It’s more freeing than he’d anticipated. He hasn’t danced like this in years, under dim lights where nobody cares how good the person next to them is, and Arielle smiles up at him with bright, sparkling eyes every time he spins her, just to show off a little. The next time he does it, she ends up pressed right against his chest. That hadn’t been his intention but Arielle doesn’t pull away, only wraps an arm around his waist, so he suspects it most definitely had been hers.

“I’m so glad you came out tonight,” Arielle says. She practically has to shout to be heard over the music and Sonny has to strain to hear her but he gets the message. “I’ve been wanting to ask you to come out with me for a long time.”

She’s slurring her words, Sonny remembers seeing her take a few more shots than they had as a group, and at that moment, everything comes to a screeching halt. It’s a date, she’d said. He’d chosen to brush the comment aside because it can’t really be meant as a date if they’re here with so many other people but then again, Arielle’s been the only one to stick by his side for the majority of the evening.

“Oh. Arielle, I think maybe you’ve got the wrong--”

He’s interrupted by a pair of soft, glossy lips pressing against his own and by the time he’s able to remember how to function again, Arielle is already pulling away to throw her head back with a playful giggle. Sonny is at a loss, he scrambles to figure out what to say or do without souring the evening, but he chooses that moment to look up and--

He locks eyes with Rafael.

Arielle still clings to his arm and paws at his chest, and Sonny could swear his heart seizes as he watches Rafael’s smile fade. He watches helplessly, his mouth opening and closing with words that wouldn’t even be heard over the music blasting from the speakers, and Rafael wastes no time in spinning on his heels to make his way back through the crowd.

“No,” Sonny says, finding his voice. “Shit. No.”

“I’m fine,” Arielle insists from beside him, though her chin meets her chest now, her hair billowing past her shoulders. Clearly not fine. 

“Arielle, I’m sorry.” Sonny frowns, trying to shrug her at least the slightest bit off him before she becomes dead weight in his arms. “I’m sorry, but I have to go.”

“But we were having fun,” she protests. Arielle tilts her head in what he’s pretty sure is an attempt to be coy but her eyes are glazed over and she’s stumbling as he guides her back to their table and Sonny couldn’t be more mortified. A part of him hopes she won’t remember this once the weekend is done, if only to spare at least one of them the awkwardness of pretending it hadn’t happened at all. 

Sonny sets Arielle down with a quick explanation and an even quicker goodbye, leaving behind an inscrutable group of college students whose invitation he shouldn’t have accepted tonight. His mind isn’t clear, he’d gotten too caught up in the evening because Arielle is right, everything _had_ been fun. He just hadn’t anticipated the man he’d much rather have spent the night dancing with to walk through the door and now his heart is practically beating out of his chest in his effort to get to him.

He manages to elbow just one person on the way out: Buchanan. 

It gives Sonny pause, that look of pure irritation on Buchanan’s face, and he might have even stopped had Buchanan been talking to one of the girls from class; but the brief encounter only serves to remind him that this had been a bust. He’d come to monitor Buchanan, to watch for predatory behavior but instead, he’d only witnessed Buchanan do nothing but what he’s entitled to do at a public venue holding a concert and only for all of five seconds. Liv is going to be pissed.

But he can set that aside for now. He bursts out the door, looking both ways down the street before catching sight of Rafael toeing the edge of the curb, staring intently down at his phone. He’d probably ordered an Uber, Sonny thinks, there isn’t much time.

“Wait! Rafael, wait, please!” Rafael doesn’t look up but his shoulders tense, Sonny can see that even from the distance between them and it makes his heart sink. It only takes a few long strides to come up right behind Rafael, close enough that he could reach out and wrap his arms around Rafael’s waist if he wanted to and god, Sonny wants to. “Rafael, please, would you look at me?”

With an impatient sigh, Rafael does. “I have somewhere to be, can this wait?”

“You just got here.”

“Well, I forgot so I’m already running late.”

It’s a bullshit excuse and they both know it. Sonny chooses to ignore it entirely, instead jerking his thumb back toward the bar. “That’s not what it looked like. You have to know that.”

Rafael shrugs, forcefully casual. “Your life is your business.”

“We’re friends, we were just dancing. There’s nothing going on between me and Arielle, I swear.”

“There’s nothing going on between us, either,” Rafael says coolly, “so there’s nothing to explain. You’re good.”

That nearly renders Sonny speechless but he recovers, shaking his head adamantly as he takes a step closer. Rafael’s Adam’s apple bobs in his throat and Sonny has to actively resist the urge to touch, though his fingers twitch at his sides. “I know you don’t mean that.”

“What, we have coffee together a few times and all of a sudden that adds up to something more? You’re my student and I’ve already told you, I--”

“I know what you told me,” Sonny interrupts. He can’t help himself, he takes hold of one of Rafael’s wrists, gripping tightly. Rafael’s skin is hot under his fingers, Sonny only wants to tug him closer. “You can’t deny there’s something more between us.” 

Rafael’s eyes widen at the contact, he stares at Sonny’s hand on him, uncertainty written all over his expression. “You’re drunk. Let go of me.”

“I’m not. Rafael--”

“Get your fucking hands off me, Sonny, I won’t tell you again.”

The words feel like a sucker punch to the gut. Sonny releases him, watches guiltily as Rafael tucks his phone away so he can rub at his wrist. “I’m sorry.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m sorry, you know I would never hurt you, I just thought we were on the same page. You knew I was going to be here tonight, you showed up.”

“I like Zach’s band,” Rafael says. The lie even sounds weak and when Sonny opens his eyes, he can see even Rafael is unimpressed with himself.

“What are they called?” Sonny asks, quirking a brow.

Rafael narrows his eyes, scoffing. “The… Brooklyn... Kids…?” 

“The Brooklyn Kids? Seriously? None of them are even from Brooklyn.”

“You already knew I was lying, why even bother asking?”

“I’m not drunk,” Sonny says again. He doesn’t know why, it’s just important to him Rafael knows that.

“My Uber will be here any minute.”

“Stay.” Sonny tries again, this time just barely brushing Rafael’s fingertips with his own. The touch is electric, like being on one end of an electric shock. Rafael had felt it, too, Sonny can see it in his face. He can’t remember the last time just being near someone had made him feel like this, like there’s a flurry of butterflies fluttering in his stomach, like he might just let his nerves get the best of him because he doesn’t want to do anything to ruin this.

As if it hasn’t been ruined before it’s even started, he thinks. This isn’t part of his assignment, he hadn’t expected Rafael Barba. That doesn’t mean, though, he can’t fix it if it falls apart, not if they let themselves give in to what’s been building up between them. All they need to do is admit the truth they’ve been dancing around for what feels an eternity. 

“Will you stay?” he asks. It’s encouraging Rafael hasn’t batted his hand away, he takes it as a good sign. He hopes it’s a good sign.

Rafael glances up at a pair of approaching headlights, looking thoughtful before turning back to Sonny. “I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

Sonny’s knees threaten to buckle. He doesn’t know what to say, what can he possibly say? He’s already running through various ways he could have read the entire situation wrong but then Rafael’s speaking again. 

“But you were right this morning. I don’t have to be alone, and I don’t want to be.” 

Sonny meets Rafael’s eyes, knowing damn well how eagerly hopeful he must look.

“Tomorrow,” Rafael continues. “Dinner, you and me, away from the campus and away from…” He gestures vaguely toward the bar, wrinkling his nose. “All of this. I know a good Thai place. Your treat.”

Sonny laughs outright at that, nodding. “Yes. Tomorrow, you and me. My treat.”

He’s only parroting what Rafael had said but it doesn’t seem to matter. Rafael only smiles, looking somewhat satisfied, then opens the door to the car that’s pulled up along the curb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, what? This story wasn't forgotten and abandoned? A SHOCKER!
> 
> I'm so very sorry for the enormous gap in updates. Somewhere along the line, I started doing lots of Barisi prompt fills and heavily neglected by WIPs and of course, writer's block followed but this has been demanding my attention for some time. If anyone is still even remotely interested in reading this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart because it really is a lot of fun to write and I can very clearly envision what happens next. 
> 
> Please drop me a line about what you think, your feedback truly does mean the world to me. Thanks so much for sticking with me!


	5. something in the way you move makes me feel like i can't live without you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please note: this becomes NSFW at about the last third of the chapter. Rafael also tells Sonny more about his attack and though it's not in graphic detail, I just want there to be full disclosure before anyone reads.  
> \--  
> “We shouldn’t do this.” It sounds weak, they both know it.
> 
> Sonny tilts Rafael’s chin up, waiting until he earns Rafael’s gaze back. “I know,” Sonny tells him. He can’t, they can’t. They shouldn’t, not on any level, but god, Rafael really is so beautiful in every way possible. “I know but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t I want to, Rafael. I want to so badly.”
> 
> With a nod comes Rafael’s whispered answer. “So do I.”

“You’re going on a date with your _professor_?”

Sonny throws a hand in the air then turns over onto his belly so he can muffle a dramatic groan against his pillow. “How many times are you going to ask me that? Yes. But… but also no. It’s confusing.”

It _is_ confusing, even if he’s the only one making it that way. To Liv, to the rest of the squad, to anyone else who might know the truth about what he’s doing in Rafael’s class, the answer is very simple: he’s on extremely shaky moral ground. 

He’s gone over it again and again, not just since last night outside the bar but since they’d started their almost daily ritual of accidentally-on-purpose running into each other for morning coffee before class. He struggles with the choice, with knowing he’s putting Rafael in a difficult position, too; but Sonny has always admittedly been a little selfish with his feelings. It’s a flaw but not one he’s ever tried too hard to correct. 

“Is that allowed?” Bella asks. She damn well knows the answer. 

“It’s not encouraged,” Sonny answers dryly. He closes his eyes, picturing Rafael’s smiling face on the Ferris wheel, remembering the way Rafael had looked at him last night, what Rafael had said in a tone that’d somehow been timid and firm all at once. “He doesn’t want to be alone. It’s a hard day for him.”

“So it’s not a _date_ date, you’re just a shoulder to lean on? What, he doesn’t have any friends?”

Sonny frowns. That hadn’t actually occurred to him until right this second, Rafael had never used the word ‘date,’ just ‘dinner.’ _Dinner. Just the two of us._ Maybe he’d misinterpreted the invitation, maybe he—

Maybe he feels like he’s in high school again, worrying over whether Casey Lindeman would let him take her to prom. 

(She hadn’t. Sonny had been mortified and refused to look her in the eyes for nearly a week before Gina had pointed out that only made him look more pathetic.)

“Look, it doesn’t matter. I want to be there for him either way. It isn’t easy for him to open up to people but he did with me.”

“And that’s good for the case, right?”

Sonny sucks in a breath like he’s been punched in the gut. The words ring all too true without a hint of actual accusation but his voice quakes with defensiveness. “Bella. Drop it.”

Bella hesitates before she answers. Sonny tries not to be annoyed. “Okay. I’d just hate to see anyone get hurt, that’s all. You get a little reckless with your heart sometimes, big brother.”

“You know how much I love it when you worry about me,” he says, easing his tone when she doesn’t push further and chuckling when he hears her scoff. “I promise, I know what I’m doing. I just wish you could meet him, you’d get it then.”

“I mean, I _could_.”

“When this whole thing’s over,” Sonny says, nodding assuredly at nothing. “I’ll introduce you.”

Another brief pause. “I really hope so.”

Sonny opens his mouth to reply but the _ping_ of his phone interrupts him. He pulls the phone away from his ear, grinning when he sees the notification is for a text from Rafael. 

_Want to make it lunch? Starving._

He hears his sister’s tinny voice call his name from the other end of the phone but he ignores it for a moment, typing back a quick affirmative response and adding a little smiley face emoji at the end of the message at the last second. He agonizes over that decision as soon as he hits send, wrinkling his nose at his screen until Bella’s voice sounds louder. 

“ _Hello_ , I’m going to hang up!”

“Sorry, sorry,” Sonny says, inching off his bed until his feet hit the floor. “That was Rafael, we’re meeting up a little earlier than I thought. Going to have to cut this short.”

“Fine.” Sonny can practically hear her pouting. “But I want all the details later. Make him take a selfie with you so you can send it to me.”

“Hanging up now.”

“By the way, your love horoscope says ‘being authentically honest about what you really feel allows romance to bloom and grow.’”

“ _Goodbye_ , Belladonna.”

“Love you!”

“Love you, too,” Sonny says, shaking his head as he ends the call. His phone buzzes in his hand. Rafael again. 

_Looking forward to seeing you on a weekend._

Another text. 

_:)_

Oh, yeah, Sonny thinks to himself as his heart flutters in his chest. He’s definitely getting in too deep. 

—

They meet outside of a small Thai place, the kind of hole-in-the-wall restaurant one might walk right on past had they not known it was there in the first place, but Rafael has been here and he says it’s the best Thai he’s ever had. 

Rafael is already there waiting for him when Sonny gets out of his Uber, dressed in his usual well-fitting jeans and a checkered button-down paired with a navy blue blazer. It’s not all too different from the way he normally dresses but with his hair neatly gelled and his facial hair trimmed down, he nearly looks like the ADA in the photos Sonny had first seen when he’d been assigned this case.

Of course, it does make him wonder whether he’d overdressed, having thrown a waistcoat over shirt and tie. At the very least, he’s relieved he’d decided on jeans, too, and he’s almost certain he notices Rafael giving him an appreciative once over. 

Or maybe it’s all in his head and Bella had been right, this is just Rafael needing a friend and nothing more, nothing to do with anything Sonny had said or inferred last night in the slightest. 

“Hi.”

“Hey.” 

They stand together awkwardly, Rafael with a hint of a smile on his face and his hands in his pockets while Sonny beams at him. When neither of them makes any effort to move, Sonny takes a chance, reaching out to give Rafael’s arm a gentle squeeze. The gesture isn’t met with any resistance, if anything, Sonny is sure Rafael looks a little relieved, but he tries not to read too much into it. 

“How are you?” he asks. 

“Hungry,” Rafael answers, even though that’s not what Sonny had meant by the question. 

But Sonny doesn’t intend to push. He has his own hang-ups right now but Rafael has been dealing with this day for seven years and Sonny suspects it wouldn’t go over very well if he tried to interfere with whatever Rafael needs to do to cope. 

They huddle across from each other in a corner at one of five small tables, their knees practically touching thanks to the severe lack of space. Something about this setup has to be a fire hazard, Sonny’s certain of it, but then Rafael is pointing out amateur-friendly Thai dishes with a long, lithe finger and a smile twitching at the corners of his mouth, and suddenly nothing else really registers. 

Sonny isn’t much of a Thai connoisseur himself, it’s not his cuisine of choice, but Rafael doesn’t look all that surprised to hear it. He throws out a suggestion and, clueless, Sonny only nods.

“Yeah, I’ll try that, sure,” Sonny says. He has no idea what he’s just agreed to, but Rafael looks pleased with himself so whatever it is, Sonny trusts his judgment. 

_“Being authentically honest about what you really feel allows romance to bloom and grow.”_

His sister’s voice rings in his ears and he wishes it wouldn’t. This could be a perfect opportunity, he could use his time with Rafael to get the information he sorely needs for the case. He was never supposed to think twice about this, he was never supposed to stop and consider how it might affect any relationship he has with Rafael because there was never supposed to be anything resembling a relationship. Trust, yes; whatever the hell he’s let himself fall into here, no, absolutely not. Liv would wring his neck if she knew about any of this. It’s a sharp slap of reality, one that’s unwelcome in the face of Rafael’s green eyes and soft expression as he makes their orders for them. 

They should talk about last night, Sonny thinks. If nothing else, he should chalk it up to being a little too drunk and letting the wrong head do the talking but every time opens his mouth to say so, he finds his mouth going dry.

What he really feels is a connection to Rafael he can’t explain, one that’s quietly grown over the past couple months and developed into more than a student-teacher relationship, more than even a friendship. He hasn’t been able to define it for himself yet, he’s been too afraid to try. The one thing Sonny hates about this is the fact he can’t be fully honest about what he does for a living or why he’d really ended up in Rafael’s class in the first place.

He’s gone over this in his mind over and over again, he’s reasoned that Rafael would understand if he were to know the truth. He’d understand because he’s the kind of man who would want to see Buchanan put away as much as Sonny does, Rafael wouldn’t fault Sonny for doing his job. It’s an important job, after all, one that comes with sacrifices sometimes. In this case, he has to sacrifice some of the truth but it’s excusable. Right? It has to be.

“I lied earlier,” Rafael says. The admission catches Sonny off-guard and Rafael falls silent again for a moment as he fiddles with his straw wrapper. He looks up to find Sonny watching him intently then takes a breath. “You asked how I was. The truth is, I’m nervous.”

That’s not what Sonny had expected to hear, though he admittedly feels very much the same way. “Nervous about what?”

“Being here with you. I’ve come here the past four years, you know, for this day. I turn my phone off, I come and sit right here, at this table, in the corner, and I eat alone. One time I sat here for five hours, nobody who works here complained, they just kept refilling my water.”

“You’ve spent this day alone for that long?” It makes Sonny’s chest ache to think of Rafael foregoing any of his support systems, left with only memories and not much in the way of distraction. “Why?”

“I don’t know. I guess it’s always seemed easier that way. Anyone else I’d spend it with has already seen me struggle through it. They’ve seen me yell and cry and try to hide away from the rest of the world. Maybe I just want to spare them.” He pauses, tilting his head thoughtfully. “It’s different with you.”

Sonny swallows hard, trying to contain the swell of happiness sweeping through him just from hearing Rafael say those words. It is different. Sonny’s not sure he could even really put it in words if anyone were to ask him how, all he knows is when he’s with Rafael, he feels content to let everything else fade away while they’re together. It’s new, he hasn’t quite figured out how to best handle it but if Rafael feels even a fraction of what he does, Sonny has to believe they can find a way to make this work.

“I want it to be different with me,” Sonny tells him. “I hope you know I get it. I understand it’s a big deal that you’re letting me be here right now.”

They’re briefly interrupted when their server drops their plates down in front of them. “Your usual. Chicken basil fried rice, Thai spicy,” she says to Rafael, then to Sonny, “and pad thai for you.” She arches a brow at Rafael, nodding very blatantly in Sonny’s direction. “Your boyfriend?”

Sonny nearly chokes on nothing but air at the question but Rafael remains impressively composed. “Someone special,” he tells her simply, “thank you, Samorn.”

She tuts at the vague answer but leaves to attend to a newly arrived table. Silence settles between Sonny and Rafael as they both debate whether to address what Rafael had just said or not.

For the time being, it seems not.

“You know, I’ve never really told anyone everything about what happened that night,” Rafael admits, his eyes focused on his chopsticks as he breaks them apart. “I mean, what actually happened, yes, but not so much all the things I felt, the thoughts that went through my head.”

“You remember? All of it?”

“Most of it,” Rafael gently corrects, poking at a piece of chicken. “I fell asleep reading. Alex was supposed to be home, thank god he wasn’t, he had a late night at work. I’d been working on the Clarkson case for weeks, I was so exhausted I didn’t even hear the bedroom door open.” He pauses to take a bite of his food, moaning appreciatively, and Sonny shoves a bit of his pad thai into his mouth to cover up the fact that he’d just unintentionally licked his lips. “When it happened, it was like… like someone had sucker punched me. It took my breath away. My lamp was still on, I didn’t know what was going on and I looked up and there was Ty. He was just a kid, barely seventeen, but I’ve still never seen anyone with so much hatred in their eyes. When he did it again, I barely even processed it, I don’t know how I didn’t just pass out then and there. The pain was…”

Indescribable, Sonny wants to supply. He wants to say Rafael doesn’t have to talk about this, doesn’t have to explain any of it, but there’s something selfish about that. Rafael is talking about it because he wants to, needs to, he’s talking more now than he usually ever does and Sonny wants to let him, even in spite of how sickening the story is. He can’t do anything to change what’d happened, can’t go back in time and stop Ty Clarkson from nearly killing Rafael, but he can listen. He can let Rafael get all of this out.

“Anyway. I could feel how wet the sheets were and I realized it was because of me, it was my blood. My first thought was Alex was going to be mad because we’d just washed the sheets.” He scoffs, though it catches in his throat. “See, things like that, I’ve never told anyone that. It sounds so ridiculous.”

“It’s not,” Sonny tells him. “It’s not ridiculous.”

Rafael seems to take that at face value, nodding as he takes another bite of his food. “I’d gotten death threats before but nothing major, nothing really worth worrying about. I was an ADA, it’s a job that always ends up pissing someone off, it was just part of the territory. I never got a warning from Ty. He never spoke a word to me, not even during his brother’s trial, I’d forgotten his face the second I got the conviction. My first mistake, I guess. To be honest, I’m not even sure his intention was to kill me. He tore into my back twice then dropped the knife and ran. I tried to get out of bed, my phone was plugged in across the room. I’ve always had an issue sleeping through my alarms, it was a strategy, it would force me to get up in the morning to turn it off but it sure as hell backfired that night.”

Sonny sets his fork down, steepling his fingers and pressing them against his lips. He notices the fingers of Rafael’s free hand rapping against the table, the light sheen of sweat forming at Rafael’s temple, the way Rafael’s breathing has changed. He wants to be prepared to make a quick exit if Rafael ends up inadvertently triggering his own panic attack but then Rafael is taking a long, deep breath in and letting it slowly back out. He does this a few times before the tension in his body starts to leave him.

Dabbing at his sweat with the back of his palm, Rafael laughs sheepishly. “I didn’t make it. I fell, I hit my head against the nightstand and while I lay there bleeding out, I remember wishing he’d just finished it.”

Instinctively, Sonny reaches out to cover Rafael’s hand with his own. “Believe me when I say I’m really, _really_ thankful he didn’t.”

Rafael doesn’t fight the touch. If anything, it seems to relax him. “Yeah, me, too. I passed out pretty soon after that. Next thing I remember, I was waking up to Alex and my mom sitting at my bedside. Alex was the one who found me, he-- it was hard for him.”

“Harder for you,” Sonny says, just a little bitterly. Knowing Alex had ultimately walked away when Rafael had needed him the most is infuriating but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little relieved that it’s the same reason why he’s here right now. “I just… I don’t know how any one person could ever be expected to cope with all that.”

Rafael smiles wryly, poking at a piece of chicken as he shrugs a shoulder. “Our pasts shape us but they don’t have to break us. There were days I thought maybe it’d be better if I just didn’t wake up the next morning. There were days I wanted to give up, I wanted to tell the doctors and physical therapists to fuck off, I wanted the platitudes and pitying looks to stop.” He stops short, looking mildly embarrassed until he briefly meets Sonny’s eyes. “There were lots of days like that. But…” The smile returns. “I’m a stubborn guy.”

The corners of Sonny’s mouth twitch. “No, _you_?” he teases. “I never would have guessed.”

“Funny,” Rafael answers dryly. “I had help. My mom, my grandmother. Rita was there, she’s always been there. It’s hard to remember life before her.” He pauses. “It’s hard for me to trust people. It’s always a process. Sometimes it’s a lot like taking one step forward, two steps back. She had the patience to wait.”

Calhoun is protective, Sonny had been able to see that from the first day of class when he’d interrupted them in Rafael’s office. That’d only been just under a couple months ago but it feels like so much longer. He feels like he’s known Rafael for years, that’s how easy it is to be around him, to be present with him, and learning more about him is such a gift. 

At the same time, the guilt Sonny keeps buried rears its ugly head, and it’s what keeps him from promising he can be patient, too. Instead, he takes his hand back then takes a bite of his noodles, forcing himself to chew slowly and telling himself he’s imagining the flicker of disappointment in Rafael’s eyes. 

“Is it hard for you to talk about it? Is that a rude question?”

“It’s not a rude question.” Rafael leans back in his chair, brow furrowed as he considers his answer. “It isn’t _easy_ but seven years to the day and I feel so far removed from it sometimes. It’s harder for me to talk about dad, really, he wasn’t a very nice man.” He’s quick to move on as Sonny’s expression hardens. “I spent a long time finding a way to come to terms with what happened. It was revenge and I was the obvious target. Frankly, I think Ty just wanted to be where his brother was. Maybe that makes all of it a little easier.”

“Hmm.”

Rafael gives him a playful little kick under the table. “You don’t buy it?”

“No, god, of course I do! I can’t pretend to know what it’s like to go through what you did. Acceptance just seems like such a difficult thing to find, from what I’ve seen.”

Rafael tilts his head. “What you’ve seen?”

“Read.” The correction comes smoothly even while a flicker of panic churns in Sonny’s stomach. “I read a lot of case studies, it’s part of why I decided to apply to law school. I like the idea of helping people find closure in some way.”

“Doesn’t always happen like that. I can’t even say that I’ve found it myself, it’s different from acceptance. What happened to me, it happened, I can’t change that. I can even understand, on some level, why. I’ve _accepted_ that. But I don’t forgive it. I don’t forgive Ty. It’s not an understatement when I say he ruined my life. I’ve moved on but there’s no closure there. I still look over my shoulder like someone might be there behind me. I still lie wide awake some nights, wondering if any noise I can’t pin down might be someone creeping in to finish me off. I still push people away even when I want nothing more to be closer to them.” He gives Sonny a meaningful look then lets his eyes fall to where their hands had touched, where Rafael’s hand still rests. “I’m trying to do better with that last one.”

“Seems to me like you’re doing a pretty good job.”

Rafael opens his mouth to reply but seems to think better of it, smiling down at his food. 

They’d shared a moment, Sonny realizes, and even though his fingers twitch with the urge to reach for Rafael again, he’s glad for it. It’s what they keep working up to: moments. At the very least, it’s soothing to know he’s not alone in the way he feels. The primary obstacle now is trying to figure out how to make the moments last longer. 

—

The rest of their meal is spent trading significantly lighter anecdotes and fonder memories. 

When he was eight, Rafael had told Sonny, he’d tricked both his mother and grandmother into taking him to see _Halloween_ upon its release in theaters. It would make him a hit at school, he’d thought, to be able to brag that he’d seen the movie and besides, neither his mother nor grandmother paid much attention to film trailers anyway so they’d been none the wiser about the content. 

The plan hadn’t worked out in Rafael’s favor. He’d been so scared he’d started crying before Michael Myers had even claimed his first victim and they’d left the theater immediately.

“At least I got ice cream out of it,” Rafael says with a laugh, shaking his head. “My mom was furious, my grandmother thought it was hysterical.”

“I can’t believe you got rewarded for lying,” Sonny teases. “I never got away with anything. My sisters, they always ratted me out, even for the things they did, and our parents always believed them.”

“I always wished for siblings,” Rafael admits. “I know you’ve mentioned them to me before, you said you’re close with only one of them, right?”

“Bella,” Sonny says, nodding. Maybe it shouldn’t please him so much that Rafael remembers but they’ve talked about so much over their daily coffee meetings at the café that he wouldn’t have been surprised if Rafael hadn’t retained much. “Yeah. She’s the one obsessed with astrology and all that. She’s also the one who’s always encouraged me to do the things I want to do. The other two are older, they always had their own thing going on, so Bella and I stuck together.”

Rafael hums thoughtfully, his eyes drifting. “I guess Alex was like that for me for a long time. Alex and our friend Eddie, we grew up together, everyone used to call us the Three Musketeers of Jerome Street. They always took care of me, you know? Had my back because I had such a big mouth.” His smile flickers and then he sighs. “Anyway, I guess Rita pretty much fills that role now. She’s the closest thing to a sister I’ve ever had.”

“Is that why she always looks at me like she’s willing to break my legs every time I stop by your office?”

Laughing, Rafael rolls his eyes. “She’s suspicious of everyone who comes near me. I mean, rightfully so, I guess, to a point. Leslie and Carmen, too, they’ve kind of taken on the dual roles of TA-bodyguards. They’ve always been right about students they think might be… disruptive.”

“Disruptive how?”

“There’s a reason I forewarn people about asking people about what happened to me, let’s just say that. The final project for the class used to be taking any court case and arguing the other side of it, whether the verdict was guilty or not guilty. A few years back, one student used mine.”

Sonny’s jaw drops and he straightens up in his chair. “Wait, the case against Ty Clarkson? They argued against his guilty verdict?”

“Mmhmm.” Rafael lets it sink in, waits until Sonny looks angry enough to flip his plate before continuing. “I failed him. None of it was very pleasant.”

“I’m so sorry, Rafael.”

“Don’t be. It hasn’t happened since. Anyway, I’ve got this one great student this semester who’s really good at making me feel like I have his full support so I haven’t been too worried.”

Sonny narrows his eyes, resting his chin on his fist as he pretends to give consideration to that. “You know, sometimes I’m not so great at connecting the dots, could you maybe clarify who you’re talking about?”

“Let’s get the check,” Rafael says, smirking. “I’ll drop a few more hints about it once we’re out of here.”

They don’t get very far. 

In spite of the fact that a pair of customers had apparently rushed into the restaurant drenched to the bone, neither Rafael nor Sonny had noticed it’d started pouring outside. They stand at the door, peering out the glass at the unrelenting rain and dark clouds and people running for cover or trying and failing to flag down passing cabs.

Sonny had planned to ask Rafael if he’d want to take a walk around the park, maybe find a bench over by Conservatory Water. It’s a touristy thing to do, sure, but Sonny had loved going there during visits to Manhattan as a kid and as an adult, watching the model boats bob across the water has always soothed him. It would have been a good place to talk more, at the very least, or fall into a comfortable silence, either one would have been fine.

Now, he worries their time is up for the day and he’ll be left to spend the entire evening thinking about the last hour and a half. Time spent with Rafael is never long enough, he thinks, he always wants more the second he has to walk away.

“I don’t think is going to let up anytime soon,” Sonny says, grimacing.

“No,” Rafael agrees. He bites down on his lip then shoves his hands in his pockets, rocking on his heels. “Listen, my apartment’s just a couple blocks away. The original plan was to have dinner anyway, maybe we could watch a movie and have a drink, order delivery later. We’ll get soaked but I have clothes that would fit you. If you haven’t made other plans already, I mean, I don’t want to assume you blocked your whole day off for me. Because of me.” 

Rafael looks worried that he’s putting his foot in his mouth but Sonny’s own mind is working a mile a minute. Sonny isn’t even sure he’d heard the invitation correctly but the words roll over in his mind once, twice, a third time until Rafael’s narrowing his eyes at Sonny’s lack of response.

“Um. If that makes you uncomfortable, I understand, I don’t want to--”

“I do want to!” Sonny exclaims. He hears the briefest of pauses in the conversations behind them but he doesn’t take his eyes of Rafael as he brightens with an embarrassingly enthusiastic grin. “Seriously, that sounds great. I want to do whatever you want to do.”

It seems to be an acceptable answer. 

They spend the next five minutes sprinting through the rain, trying in vain to hold their arms over their heads to keep from getting too wet but it doesn’t work, that never works. Still, they laugh as they bump shoulders at the crosswalk, waiting for a break in traffic before they cross on a red light with the rest of the people around them. By the time they reach Rafael’s building, they’ve more or less given up trying to rush, drenched to the bone but smiling broadly at each other all the same as they walk past an amused doorman and into an elevator.

“Thank god,” Rafael says, leaning back against the wall of the elevator once he’s hit the button for his floor. He glances down at the puddles forming at their feet and laughs. “Another minute out there and I’m pretty sure we’d both be fighting off hypothermia.”

“I can think of a few ways we can warm back up,” Sonny says, and the words come out far too casually for how they end up sounding. He blinks then gapes at Rafael, ready to explain himself, but his horror fades at the sight of Rafael hiding another laugh behind his hand. The elevator stops then, the doors sliding open, and Sonny has never been literally saved by a bell before but he’s damn sure grateful for it now.

“Come on,” Rafael says, nudging Sonny on the way out, “I’m right over here.”

The inside of the apartment is bigger than Sonny had expected but it’s not extravagant. The walls are exposed brick, the floor made of wood paneling. On the far side of the living room, Sonny spots a bookcase built into the wall, and he’s curious to see what Rafael’s reading collection looks like but Rafael has a hand pressed against his back and is leading him down the hall past a maroon couch and glass coffee table. He notes Rafael’s shoulder bag at the foot of the table then an empty mug next to a pile of disorganized papers but the books on the shelves are nicely organized and the kitchen seems practically spotless.

“This is a really nice place,” Sonny says, glancing over his shoulder at the wooden countertop and stainless steel appliances. “Remind me never to let you visit my apartment, you’d be sorely disappointed.”

Rafael arches a brow at him but doesn’t comment. Sonny tries not to flush red with embarrassment. 

“I’ll grab you something to change into,” Rafael says. He points at the door they’ve stopped at, his hand lingering on Sonny’s back before he drops it back to his side. “Bathroom. You can leave your wet clothes in there, just hang it over the tub. I’ll be right back.”

It’s only a couple minutes before Rafael returns with a Harvard Law shirt and a pair of gray sweatpants. They’re comfortable, one of his favorite pairs, Rafael explains before heading back to his room, plus they’re the only clothes he thinks will actually fit.

They’re more than good enough for Sonny. The clothes smell freshly laundered but beyond that, Sonny is sure he catches Rafael’s scent on the well-worn shirt, a little bit of sandalwood and a little bit of citrus, an unexpectedly perfect combination that has become so familiar to him now. 

Once he’s dried off and changed, he glances in the mirror and runs his fingers through his still wet hair. There’s not much that can be done with it, really, aside from giving it few good rubs with a towel but that would make a mess of things so he takes the lesser of two evils and does his best to try to wring the excess water out instead. It’ll have to do. 

Even though Rafael hasn’t come back for him, Sonny decides to wander back to the living room while he waits, his curiosity getting the better of him. A person’s living space says a lot about them, about their interests, and Sonny wants to know as much about Rafael as he can learn. He doesn’t once consider the fact that walking back down the hall would also mean walking past Rafael’s room and Rafael, it seems, had forgotten to shut his door. Sonny does a double take as he passes, stopping in his tracks when he realizes Rafael is standing shirtless by his bed and rubbing a towel over his own wet hair. 

Rafael’s body twists just slightly to the left, revealing two lifted, pink scars running across his back in parallel lines. One is thinner than the other, the one on top, while the one on the bottom seems thicker and shorter. A flash of a knife being forced into Rafael’s body enters his imagination and Sonny feels a sudden wave of nausea before he pushes the thought away. He focuses instead on how Rafael shivers now, watches the way his skin ripples, watches goosebumps rise up the length of his spine. It’s so tempting, the desire to step into the room just so he can touch, a quick brush of fingertips against Rafael’s body to see if he can produce the same effect as the rain. Sonny wants to be the reason he shivers next. 

He bites down on his lip, knowing damn well he should step away from the room and leave Rafael to his privacy. This isn’t right, he hasn’t been given permission to see Rafael like this, he’ll surely be caught any second and—

The doorframe creaks as he rests a hand against it. Rafael’s head snaps up so fast Sonny half expects to hear it crack. 

With his t-shirt clutched to his chest, covering hardly anything at all, Rafael stares at Sonny, who suddenly feels uncomfortably like an intruder. “Oh. I didn’t hear you.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I just—”

“Saw the scars?” 

Sonny doesn’t miss the hint of bitterness in his voice but he can’t help noticing Rafael hasn’t demanded he get out or made any more effort to slip his shirt over his head. He almost tells the truth, almost admits he’d gotten caught up in the fantasy of letting his hands explore Rafael’s body; but he’s been given the gift of an excuse and frankly, it’s probably safer for both of them right now if he goes along with it. 

“I did,” Sonny says. Rafael’s knuckles turn white as he tightens his fist around his shirt. “Does it ever still hurt?”

Rafael looks surprised at the question then shrugs a shoulder, nodding toward the far corner of the room. Sonny sees the giant penguin he’d won the night of the Pride event first, his breath hitching in his chest at the sight of it, but then his eyes wander downward to find a cane leaning against its belly. 

“Every once in a while,” Rafael admits. “I stopped walking with a cane years ago but it flares up sometimes. To be honest, it hurts more to think about it. To remember why it’s there.”

“How often do you think about it?”

Rafael hesitates. “A lot. Not as much as I used to but still a lot. On a day like today, I’d usually be thinking about it non-stop.”

“But?”

“But I’ve been distracted.”

“I hope that’s a good thing.”

Rafael’s nod is slow but sincere. “It is. I didn’t realize how much I needed… a good thing.”

God, but Sonny wants to go to him. He wants to close the gap between them and take Rafael in his arms, kiss him until they’re begging each other for more. He wants to make Rafael smile again and hear that laugh, make him feel good and inhale that intoxicating scent. 

Sonny has no idea how he manages to stay so grounded and sound so in control when he asks, “Could I see them again?” He watches Rafael swallow hard and while a part of wishes he hadn’t asked, the other part of him is glad he had. “I know it’s personal and you can say no, of course you can. I didn’t even mean to be standing here, I shouldn’t have been, it’s just so hard to take my eyes off you. Do you know that? Do you know how hard it is for me to look away?”

Has he noticed? Sonny has tried to be as subtle as possible over the weeks they’ve spent together but more often than not, he feels like he’s done a terrible job at it. This had been a hopeless assignment, a small part of him had known but refused to admit that a long time ago. Rafael undoes him. Rafael could so easily make him fall apart and there’s a pressure building inside of him, deep in his belly, Sonny feels like he might burst at any moment from all the things he wants to say to this man who’s completely derailed his entire mission.

“Sonny--”

“Wait.” Sonny takes a cautious step inside the room, hands held out helplessly in front of him. “I’m talking about you, Rafael. Not just the scars, _you_ , but they’re a part of you and I’ve been trying not to let myself want to know every part of you but I do. That’s the truth.”

_“Being authentically honest about what you really feel allows romance to bloom and grow.”_

Rafael’s expression hardens but only for a moment as he seems to struggle to reach a decision. It feels like an eternity before he’s slowly lowering his hands, letting the shirt he’d been gripping fall onto his bed. “Okay.” He says it so softly, Sonny almost doesn’t hear him. “Okay, you can see them.”

If he’s honest, Sonny hadn’t expected Rafael to say that but that makes him no less quick to take the few strides to get to where Rafael is, quick enough that he’d be more embarrassed under any other circumstances. Right now, his thoughts are only of Rafael, of the fact that Rafael has been willing to hear him out so far and is still letting him do this. Rafael is staring at the floor between them, his breathing hushed but deep, and he doesn’t look up until Sonny’s hands have come to rest on his bare shoulders. 

“I’ve got you,” Sonny says. It’d be so easy to lean in, to kiss him like he’s been wanting to for ages. Instead, Sonny offers a soft, reassuring smile. “The second you want me to step away, just say it. You’re in control.”

Wordlessly, Rafael nods, letting out a shaky breath as he shifts his body so he’s facing away from Sonny. The loss of eye contact is frightening at first, it sends a flare of panic through him, but then gentle fingertips brush over the larger of his scars and he finds that the sensation isn’t entirely unpleasant. He lets out a soft puff of breath, craning his neck to watch Sonny examine him, his body, and Rafael is surprised by how much he doesn’t feel self-conscious.

“Strange, isn’t it?” The question comes out hoarser than Rafael had intended but he’s distracted by the warmth of Sonny’s hands on his body. He wants more of that, more of the heat, more of the touch. Rafael closes his eyes, trying to remember what he’d been wanting to say. “That’s all that’s left of the worst night of my life. Just a couple of scars, nothing else. Almost like it never happened.”

Sonny wants so badly to trail kisses over the expanse of Rafael’s back, over his shoulders, down his spine. He settles for committing to memory this moment, another moment, this feeling and what it means, what it could mean. The scars are all that’s left on the outside but Rafael isn’t fully healed. Sonny’s not sure anyone can ever fully heal from something like this.

But Rafael is here and he’s alive and he has no damn clue about all the things Sonny wants to tell him. 

“You’re beautiful.” The words slip out but then again, maybe not. Maybe Sonny had very intentionally said it.

“Nobody’s ever said that to me before,” Rafael says, shifting so they’re facing each other again, his hands resting on Sonny’s chest. They’re so close, Sonny can feel puffs of breath against his lips, and if either of them inched forward just so, they’d be meeting for a kiss. “I’m not sure I’d believe anyone else if they did say it.”

“But you believe me?” Sonny’s fingers find the nape of Rafael’s neck, playing with hair that curls at the ends. His other hand trails down Rafael’s chest until it curls around a hip, and Sonny can feel Rafael trembling beneath his touch.

“I believe you,” Rafael says. His eyes find the floor again and he shivers, taking the smallest of steps back. “We shouldn’t do this.” It sounds weak, they both know it.

Sonny tilts Rafael’s chin up, waiting until he earns Rafael’s gaze back. “I know,” Sonny tells him. He can’t, they can’t. They shouldn’t, not on any level, but god, Rafael really is so beautiful in every way possible. “I know but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t I want to, Rafael. I want to so badly.”

With a nod comes Rafael’s whispered answer. “So do I.”

There will be no escaping this entire situation without hurting him, once all is said and done, the little voice on the back of Sonny’s head has been saying that for weeks now, but he buries it. He buries reason and logic because it has no place here, not when he’s exactly where he wants to be with the only person he’s wanted to be with in a long, long time. It isn’t fair but that’s petulant so instead, it’s easier to let himself forget about the world that exists outside of them for a little while. 

“I want to kiss to you.”

Rafael’s tongue flicks over his lips. “I want you to kiss me.”

Their lips meet. Later, Sonny will think about how cheesy it is that he’d felt like time had stopped completely, like the world around them had completely disappeared and the universe belonged only to them. Rafael’s lips are so much softer than Sonny had anticipated, they fit so perfectly against his own and when he slips his tongue into Rafael’s mouth, the resulting moan nearly makes his knees buckle. 

His hands travel downward, gripping Rafael’s ass and urging him closer. He’s hard, they both are, and Sonny wants the chance to explore every last part of Rafael’s body but that’s not his choice. He’s willing to wait and he’s ready to say so until Rafael paws at his shirt, finding the hem and starting to pull at it until Sonny stops him.

“I can be patient,” Sonny tells him, breaking the kiss. It’s what he’d wanted to say earlier, he’s happy enough to say it now. “I know this is a big day for you, I know you must have so much going through your mind and so do I because this is what I’ve been wanting for a long time and I know I’m babbling but I just want to make sure you know we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I can be patient.”

Rafael tugs at Sonny’s shirt again, a little more desperately. “I can’t,” he says. “I’ve been patient long enough. Believe when I say this is exactly what I want to do.”

It’s more than good enough for Sonny so he places his hands over Rafael’s and together, they pull the shirt off, tossing it aside without a second glance before their lips find each other again. Sonny grinds against Rafael, dipping his thumbs in the waistband of Rafael’s sweatpants and Christ, this is moving so much faster than he’d ever thought it would but they’ve spent far too long dancing around each other. Now that he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Rafael was this as much as he does, Sonny wants nothing more than to lower Rafael onto that bed.

He carefully urges Rafael to step backward until the backs of Rafael’s knees hit the mattress. “Let me take care of you, okay?” he murmurs, kissing along Rafael’s jaw, down his neck, slowly making his way down Rafael’s chest as he lowers himself to his knees. 

Rafael doesn’t protest, only stares down at him with thinly veiled awe shining through already dazed eyes as Sonny undoes the drawstring of his pants and pulls at them until they’ve pooled around his ankles. Sonny’s hands grip his waist, they stay frozen in tension-filled silence as Sonny’s eyes travel appreciatively over his body. Rafael hasn’t been naked like this in front of anyone for so long, nearly a couple years now, and he wonders whether he should feel more bashful, more nervous; but none of that comes creeping up as he’d expected.

It’s because Sonny makes him feel safe, he realizes. He’s already shown more of himself in so many different ways to Sonny than he has anyone else in as long as he can remember. Something about this feels natural, it feels right that Sonny is the one to see him this way now.

Sonny’s tongue works its way from his inner thigh up to his hip, the heat of his breathing teases Rafael’s cock and makes it twitch, makes Rafael quite literally weak in the knee. With a strangled gasp, he lowers himself to the edge of the bed, widening his legs to give Sonny better access. 

“You’re sure this is what you want?” Sonny asks, glancing up to study Rafael’s expression.

“God, yes,” Rafael says, cupping Sonny’s cheek. He leans forward, locking their lips. He blindly reaches for Sonny’s hand, guiding it to his cock, encouraging Sonny to wrap long, lithe fingers around him and whimpers into Sonny’s mouth.

Sonny gets the hint. He breaks the kiss, lowering his head so he can swipe his tongue over the tip of Rafael’s cock, already pumping at the shaft. His cheeks hollow as he takes Rafael into his mouth, letting his tongue explore new territory, taking in the taste of him as he sucks lightly at first, then a little harder. Sonny feels Rafael’s fingers grip his hair, tightening, and it only serves to make him ache, make him want to touch himself like he’s touched himself to this very scenario multiple times before. 

He can’t believe this is happening.

Sonny slides his lips lower over Rafael’s length, lending a little ease to how he twists his hand over the base of Rafael’s cock, easing up to lap at the head again before taking Rafael deeper. It’s all experimentation, he listens for when Rafael’s gasps come louder and when his breathing quiets, tries to remember what makes Rafael’s hips jolt and what sends a flash of heat down his own spine. 

“Wait, wait, stop.” The command comes breathlessly and suddenly, Rafael doesn’t even sound sure of himself when he says it. 

Still, Sonny pulls away immediately, his hands snapping back to rest on the bed on either side of Rafael’s thighs. If Rafael has decided he doesn’t want to go any further, if he’s decided this isn’t what he wants after, Sonny will respect that. A considerably significant part of him will be disappointed, sure, but he’ll respect it. 

“Hey,” he says gently when Rafael seems to struggle to find whatever it is he wants to say next. “It’s okay. I won’t be upset if you want to stop.”

“It’s not that,” Rafael says quickly, but his voice wavers and Sonny frowns. His cheeks flushing, Rafael briefly ducks his head then meets Sonny’s eyes again with a newfound boldness, this time lifting his chin a little. “I don’t want to come until you do. That’s all.”

“Oh.”

_Oh_. 

Biting back a smile, Sonny rises to his feet, watching with satisfaction as Rafael’s eyes flicker downward as he lazily strokes himself. “Do you have—” He stops short. He shouldn’t assume. “I mean, do you want—”

“Do I want you to fuck me?” Rafael finishes. A short, coy laugh escapes him as he gestures toward his nightstand. “There are condoms and lube in there.”

Sonny wants to hear it again. “Fuck me.” Christ, it sends an electric thrill right through him. He’s fantasized about hearing Rafael say that before but he hadn’t anticipated just how much it would affect him to actually hear it out loud. His heart races as he steps around the bed and opens the drawer, sensing more than seeing out of the corner of his eye that Rafael is moving higher up on the bed. 

This is happening, he thinks again as he finds the box of condoms. There are only a couple missing but the bottle of lube is more than half empty and Sonny can’t help but imagine Rafael fucking himself with his own fingers, stroking himself and moaning the way he had been when Sonny had been sucking him. 

He needs to stop thinking about it before he loses the chance to even follow through on this. He takes a breath to steady himself then turns back to Rafael, softening at the nervous look of anticipation that greets him. 

“Should I… I don’t know, get on my knees?” Rafael asks. He cringes at his own question, shaking his head. “It’s been a while since the last time I’ve been intimate with someone. He wanted me on my knees. Wow, I shouldn’t be talking about that, what’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing,” Sonny tells him. “Absolutely nothing. You’re perfect right there, the way you are.” Rafael blinks, looking like he’s still processing the words, trying to decide what they really mean. Sonny hopes he’s reading between the lines. “I want to see you. I want to be able to look at you and kiss you. Is that okay?”

“Yes,” Rafael nearly whispers. He plants his feet on the bed, letting his knees fall apart as he rests his hands on his belly then at his sides then back on his belly. 

Sonny sets the condom aside for the time being, kneeling beside Rafael as he squeezes a generous amount of lube onto his fingertips. He lets his tongue trail along the length of Rafael’s thigh as he teases the ring of muscle between Rafael’s legs, eliciting a soft gasp that makes Sonny smile. He slowly works a finger inside of Rafael, pushing little by little until he’s passed the first knuckle then all the way in. He stills for a moment, letting Rafael get used to the pressure, to the new feeling. Sonny reaches up to rub his thumb over a nipple, squeezing it lightly then a little harder as he lets a second finger join the first. 

“Feels good,” Rafael murmurs and Sonny hums in return, sliding his fingers in and out of Rafael’s hole. 

Rafael is tight, so tight, the temptation to forego any more prepping is so damn strong but Sonny fights it. He’d said it himself, Rafael hasn’t been with someone in a long time, and Sonny has no intention of making this less than an experience memorable in all the best ways for both of them. So he doesn’t stop, not until after he’s added a third finger and Rafael’s hips are bucking, not until Rafael’s whimpers start to grow lower and longer, not until Rafael catches his wrist before he’s able to push his fingers back in and looks up at him with desperation in his eyes. 

“Please, Sonny,” he says, “I want you. I want you.”

“You’ve got me, sweetheart,” Sonny answers, slowly pulling his hand back and reaching for the condom. If Rafael is bothered at all by the term of endearment, he doesn’t show it, instead relaxing back against the mattress and letting a serene smile play at the corners of his lips while he watches Sonny slip the condom on, following it with more lube. 

Sonny shifts to line himself up, the head of his cock nudging against Rafael’s hole. It’s already maddening, being this close from getting exactly what he’s wanted, from getting to do everything in his power to make Rafael feel good. 

“Please don’t hurt me.”

Sonny freezes as Rafael’s voice cuts through the hot tension between them, breathing hard, and he aches but it’s easy to forget that when Rafael is looking at him with such open vulnerability.

“I won’t,” Sonny says. He kisses Rafael deeply, threading his fingers through thick, graying hair. “We won’t do anything until you’re ready.”

“No.” Rafael reaches for Sonny’s hand, pressing it against his cheek and leaning into the touch. “I mean, this is important to me. You’re important to me.”

“You’re important to me, too. You have no idea.”

Rafael searches Sonny’s eyes for a moment then smiles again, faintly but genuinely. It’s such a good look on him, a mesmerizing look, Sonny can’t bear to look away even as a flicker of guilt passes through him for the trust he sees reflected back at him. 

He’s still the same man, Sonny tells himself. Stripped of his cover, he can still be the same man for Rafael. 

“I believe you,” Rafael finally says. He wraps his legs around Sonny’s waist, urging him closer. “I’m ready.”

When Sonny enters him, it’s slow, almost too slow for them both. Sonny groans, letting his head drop so his forehead meets Rafael’s shoulder, his brow already damp with perspiration. Rafael’s fingernails are digging into his back, a dull stinging that somehow only enhances his arousal, it prompts him to graze his teeth over a collarbone, to gently nip at an earlobe as he murmurs words of encouragement until he’s buried as far as he can go. 

Rafael is as impossibly tight as Sonny had expected, his eyes are shut and Sonny can see the pain and pleasure warring in the part of his lips and furrow of his brow. 

“Are you okay?” he asks, brushing his lips gently against Rafael’s forehead. He can feel Rafael relaxing and tightening around him, it’s becoming more and more difficult not to start thrusting, but he’d meant what he said. He doesn’t want to hurt Rafael, not in any way. 

“I’m okay.” Rafael eyes flutter back open and lock on Sonny’s, taking a slow, deep breath, then rolls his hips as if to make a point, even if he only succeeds in making them both gasp at the friction. “I promise, I’m okay, don’t stop.”

Sonny doesn’t hesitate, pulling out just over halfway before thrusting back into him. It sends a shiver up his spine, one that makes Rafael let out a moan, and it really is the most incredible sound Sonny has heard. He sets a rhythm, one that seems to echo off the walls of the bedroom as flesh meets flesh, steady and unrelenting. Rafael is reduced to intermittent whimpering, one hand shakily snaking between them to stroke himself in time with Sonny’s thrusts. 

He’s gorgeous. The way he’s tilted his head back, baring his throat, the way his tongue keeps flicking over his lips, the way his eyes flutter open to meet Sonny’s before he gasps with unmasked pleasure and shuts them tight again, Sonny takes it in, all of it, immerses himself in it and inside of Rafael. It almost feels like a dream but there’s no doubt that the real thing is immensely more satisfying than anything he’s come up with in his own mind. That counts for something, doesn’t it, that the reality has proven itself to be so much better than the fantasy? It counts for everything.

Sonny is in love with him. 

The realization hits him unexpectedly, makes his hips jolt so his next thrust physically moves Rafael up the mattress. 

“ _Jesus_.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Sonny murmurs. He doesn’t stop, just slows his pace, trailing soothing kisses up Rafael’s cheek. “Did I hurt you?”

Rafael shakes his head but presses his palms against Sonny’s chest, pushing him away. At first, Sonny almost protests, his brain and his arousal not quite in harmony, but then Rafael’s urging him onto his back and straddling his hips and sinking back onto his cock and all semblance of rational thought disappears. 

It’s Sonny’s turn to gasp as Rafael rides him, Sonny’s turn to wrap his fingers around Rafael’s length and stroke. He rubs the pad of his thumb over the tip of Rafael’s cock, smearing pre-come before lifting it to his lips and sucking, keeping his gaze in line with Rafael’s. Rafael’s mouth falls open but he doesn’t speak; or maybe, possibly even more likely, he’s been rendered speechless. 

“I’m close.” 

Rafael says it like it’s a warning but Sonny reaches his free hand up toward Rafael’s belly, scraping fingertips lightly over smooth skin until they travel around his curves to meet the scars. He presses his palm down against them, effectively pulling Rafael closer until their foreheads meet and there’s nothing but the sound of their fast breathing and occasional grunts bouncing off the walls and Sonny fucks him, thrusting deeper, as deeply as he can every time Rafael bounces back down to meet him.

Then Rafael is shuddering above him, dropping his head to Sonny’s shoulder to muffle his cries as he comes over Sonny’s stomach. His body tightens around Sonny’s length, prompting Sonny to wrap his arms around Rafael as he manages a few final thrusts before he’s coming, too, gripping Rafael’s hips hard enough that he thinks he might leave bruises. 

As they come down from the high, Sonny holds Rafael still, smoothing his hair down and scattering kisses over his temple and shoulder. Even as he softens, slipping out of Rafael, Sonny finds himself wishing he could relive this, repeat it, being with Rafael and knowing what’s it’s like to be intimate for the first time with someone he’s already fallen in love with. At some point, they’ll need to move. They’ll need to get cleaned up, they’ll need to figure out what’s next. For right now, Sonny is as content as Rafael is to let his eyes flutter shut and savor what they’ve just shared together.

—

Movie and drinks go long forgotten. They opt instead for cuddling once Sonny’s taken care of the mess they’d made, curling against each other beneath the sheets with their legs tangled and fingers entwined. 

“I feel like I should tell you I don’t usually put out on the first date.”

Rafael barks a quick, short laugh, his smile curving up over pinkening cheeks. “Well, I don’t usually put out so I guess we should both consider ourselves lucky.”

“Oh, I do.” Rafael’s expression softens at how genuine Sonny sounds. “I’d tell you how long I’ve been wanting this but it’d just be embarrassing.”

Rafael frees his hand so he can drape his arm over Sonny’s bare waist. He traces small circles over soft, pale skin, humming contentedly as goosebumps rise beneath his fingers. “It’s still early.” He tilts his head and quirks an eyebrow. “Maybe we can do it again after dinner.”

“Did you-- Rafael Barba, are you already propositioning me?” Sonny gasps, feigning shock then laughing when Rafael groans, poking at his ribs. “Hey, don’t worry, we’re on the same page. I am more than happy to stay here and make love to you for as long as you’d like.” Sonny pauses, hesitating before asking his next question. “You do want me to stay, right? After dinner, after-- after everything.”

“I’d be offended if you didn’t,” Rafael assures him. As if to emphasize his point, he lowers his head to graze his teeth over Sonny’s nipple, splaying his hand over Sonny’s belly when Sonny bucks his hips at the unexpected sensation. “Besides, I want you next to me when I wake up tomorrow morning. I wanted to sleep with you but I want to _sleep_ with you.” He wrinkles his nose. “And that sounds like I’m getting intense, I’m sorry, talk about embarrassing.”

“No.” Sonny traces his fingertips down Rafael’s cheek, lifting his chin until their eyes lock. “Look, to be honest, if that’s intense then I’m way past that. I know I said that thing about first dates but this didn’t feel like that to me.” 

“It didn’t feel like that to me either,” Rafael admits. “It’s fast. It’s a lot. This is a lot. I haven’t felt this way about anyone in a very long time but you… I don’t know. You just always know how to make me feel safe. You know how to make me feel like I’m more than I see myself.”

“How do you see yourself?”

“Undeserving of someone like you.”

Sonny can only stare incredulously at that, not quite processing what he’s heard because it simply doesn’t make sense. “You have no idea how incredible you are, do you? You have no idea how lucky I feel to be the only one who gets to see you like this.” He drags his fingertips down Rafael’s spine then finds the scars again, tracing them, rubbing the pad of his thumb over them. Rafael doesn’t protest, only inches closer to rest his head on Sonny’s chest. 

“You wouldn’t say things like that unless you meant them. Right?” 

Sonny presses a kiss to Rafael’s temple, shaking his head. “I’ve never said it to anyone else before. There’s just one problem now.”

Rafael lifts his head, alarmed, but the tension eases back out of him when Sonny laughs, patting his messy hair back into place. “Okay, I’ll bite, what’s the problem?”

“I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to be in a classroom with you for an hour and a half a day without bending you over your desk.”

“Ah.” Rafael presses his lips together but can’t hold back a broad grin as he leans into to give Sonny a kiss. “That _is_ an issue, isn’t it? I do have office hours, you know.”

“We are not having sex in that shoebox you call an office,” Sonny protests, nudging his nose against Rafael’s. “Besides, you deserve only the best.”

“So… flowers and chocolate before sex in the shoebox?”

This is the lightest Sonny has ever seen Rafael, he’s sure of it. Too often, there’s a line between his brows and even though he’s always charming in the classroom, Sonny often observes exhaustion in Rafael’s eyes. Today, of all days, he’s glad if he’s had anything at all to do with the fact that Rafael is currently happy and smiling and offering up jokes about the future of their newfound sex life. 

“Flowers and chocolate anytime you want them,” Sonny counters. 

Sighing, Rafael lowers his head back down, running his fingers through the light dusting of hair on Sonny’s chest. “You know we’ll have to have a conversation about this. Us. What it means when we’re on campus.” He pauses, his hand briefly stilling before he lowers it to rest back over Sonny’s hip. “Even off campus.”

“I know. But it can wait, right? Maybe ‘til the weekend’s done?”

“It can wait. I want to lie here with you for a while. I just want to remember what it’s like to be with someone who makes me happy.”

Sonny doesn’t answer, just wraps his arms around Rafael and holds him. He wants the same thing, wants to revel in where this day has led them. He wants to tell Rafael the full truth, too, it’s on the tip of his tongue. 

_“I’m not a law student, I’m an undercover detective with SVU but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m in love with you.”_

If only it could be so easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to anyone who is still sticking with this story. I bounce between a lot of ideas so sometimes it takes me a long while to put up another chapter of a WIP but the hope is always that the wait is worth it every now and then. There's still plenty more to come in the way of drama, of course, but I couldn't resist giving them their day of love and happiness. For anyone who's interested, the song that has always inspired this chapter, even from the time I started writing the story, is Rhianna's "Stay."
> 
> Please comment and let me know what you think, I value every bit of input I get and thank you again for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> So I watched Never Been Kissed while en route to see Raúl Esparza in Chess in D.C. and with the announcement of the Barisi Cinema Challenge, an AU was born. If you've seen Never Been Kissed, you'll notice that it's definitely not the exact same plot, which is 100% due to the fact that there's a disturbing number of things that read as so very inappropriate about the movie, as much as I have fun watching it. Also, I love Scanavino, but he would never pass as a high schooler (and frankly, neither did Drew Barrymore or David Arquette, but I guess that's the magic of movies.)
> 
> In any case, I'm having fun writing this AU and hope you'll have fun reading it! As always, I'd love to hear what you think, even though this is just the beginning. It's my first time writing non-established relationship Barisi and it is SO HARD not to just smash their faces together right away. THESE TWO, I TELL YA!


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